Let’s Evaluate Each Girls Character’s Dubious New Year’s Resolution

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The Girls premiere is almost upon us, and you know what that means: tons of ads designed to get you stoked to re-enter its characters' dysfunctional, self-centered, and hilariously cringeworthy world.

The latest such ad campaign consists of numerous posters/jpegs (because we live in an internet-y age) featuring a photo of each main character alongside his or her resolution for the new year. And, as is typical for this show, I do not believe a single one of them is going to stick to it for a millisecond. Let's take a look.

Note how vaguely Adam has phrased this. He does not resolve to wear a shirt “from 10am to 10pm” or “when entering a place of business” but ever/at all. So, basically: when he feels like it. Which is what he does now. But it's okay, because with abs like that, I don't think he should wear a shirt. And he knows that. This seems like a cop out to avoid making a real resolution.

Oh, Jessa. You can't flirt with your boss because you don't have a boss, and if your aggro new husband's gleaming coke loft in The Edge is any indication, you're going to be well provided for indefinitely, or at least until you get bored with him and punch him in the face. Then again, that will probably happen sooner than later, so maybe you should at least try to pretend like you don't want your next boss to want to fuck you.

Lies, all lies. Marnie is going to attempt this in the most clichéed way possible, i.e. by sleeping with that artist who switched his first and last names around, realizing he is gross (was she listening when he gave her that speech lifted from a satirical article in Vice Magazine?), and concluding in the most simplistic way possible that “having fun” is just not for her. I seriously wish I could transport myself into the TV just to give her fun lessons.

No, Ray! Bad Ray! You cannot stop dating younger women because that includes Shoshanna, who is by far the best character on the show and (I'm pretty sure) your soulmate. Luckily, I know you will not be able to resist her fast-talking, neurotic charms and love of tiny hats for long. DO IT YOU CAN'T.

Silly Shosh. Haven't you watched enough rom coms to know that opposites attract and you will always end up strangely attracted to the guy you don't think you like?

Fucking Hannah. If there's anything we have learned from watching this show, it's that Hannah actually likes it when guys are cold and distant with her, because when they want to commit, she morphs into the most scared person that is alive. That said, I hope she at least tries to figure this out in the second season, if for no other reason than to mix it up a bit and make it all the more crushing when she rushes back into the arms of some musclebound weirdo who thinks porn is real and wears too many necklaces.

(Via the Crushable Inbox)

Photos: HBO