The Best And Worst Of Dexter: Do What You Do

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This week's episode of Dexter was a doozy. The show's body count went up yet again, and Dexter made one dangerous friend and failed to make another. Deb, as always, was visibly perturbed. Without further spoilers, let's tally up the points!

“Maybe my desire to get Hannah on my table was just a way to deny the effect she has on me.” No shit Sherlock, you've only had a huge, visible boner for her since the first time her tiny murderous blonde ass walked in the door. -1 because even serial killers understand boners.

“So you think I'm bad? You have no idea.” OMG girl, you've already fucked him. There's no need to be this flirty now. -1

That said, it's about time Dexter got laid. +5

Between Rita, Julia Stiles, crazy English chick and Hannah, Dexter pulls some seriously hot tail for a lab geek with the personality of a serial killer who is trying to escape notice by being as boring as possible. +2 because good for him!

Deb likes “the sound of a jailhouse door slamming shut.” +2 because of course Deb hates music.

I do not like this Sal Price fellow. His “smooth” lines are so corny and forced that I feel like he studied the Mystery Method. -1 because Deb seems into it. Raise your standards, girl.

“Boy did he pick the wrong car.” Because that car is full of murderers, get it? I love how corny and scary Dex is able to be at the same time. +2

Why hasn't Dexter straight up asked Hannah if she's a murderer yet? -1 because I feel like he could've gotten her to confess by now, boner or no boner.

Blah blah blah Deb is sabotaging Laguerta's Bay Harbor Butcher investigation…hey, are those ombre highlights in her hair? I just noticed them and they are kee-ewt! +1

“I'm fucking going to hell.” Deb needs to stop saying self-incriminating things out loud to herself in the police station. -1

Everyone laughs at Masuka when he suggests a mole in the department, but doesn't logic dictate that the person who stole it from the evidence locker was someone with, you know, access to the evidence locker? Potentially the guy yelling “maybe it just got misplaced!” -1 for not giving the Japanese man enough credit.

Batista is smart enough to suspect Quinn, but not smart enough to realize that the Kaskas are holding his girlfriend hostage. -1 for just assuming a stripper has poor enough character to coerce Quinn into tampering with evidence.

“I like interacting with people face to face, especially when their face looks like yours.” OMG CAN SOMEONE PLEASE JUST KILL THIS GUY ALREADY? It would be better than listening to his cheesy pick-up lines, which inexplicably work on Deb. -1

“You're gonna be free, trust me.” Oh my God, Nadia is so dead. Even though it is Quinn who deserves to die for being a stupid idiot. -1

“Hannah needs to know whats going on.” No, Hannah needs to be on your table. Has the orchid hypnotized him as a stand-in for her magical vagina? -1

Of course the shady Eastern European crime ring is not going to hold up their end of the bargain with Quinn. +1 because Quinn can be a bit of a dullard, can't he?

Juxtaposed with the S&M-y scenes between Dexter and Hannah, the lush, misty, vaginal greenhouse reminds me a great deal of all the plant imagery in Secretary. +1 because if you're going to rip off (pay homage?) to a movie, there are many worse ones you could pick.

“Sometimes life just has to be taken, there's no need to dress it up.” WHY HAVE YOU NOT KILLED THIS PERSON YET? -1 But +1 for finally addressing the fact that Hannah is, in fact, a smug little murderess.

“She accepts both sides of me, the whole Dexter.” How the fuck does he know that already? Dexter is behaving like a 13-year-old emo kid who falls in love on the first date. -1

Hey look, it's a skeleton wearing a suit! +1 because that's just funny.

“Double Scotch, neat.” That sounds disgusting. Not even one ice cube? And it's still light out! -1 for trying too hard to make Deb a cool tomboy (and/or an alcoholic?), even if she is in a state of booze-needing distress.

“Traces of blood, good for me, bad for his gums.” If there's anything this series has established, it's that Dexter cares about gum health. +1

“The more you linger, the greater the chance of being caught.” Remember when Ghost Dad had insightful observations? -1

Re: Hannah's confession, actresses are so good at acting like good actresses. No points, but convenient.

Did Sal Price really think Hannah would confess her crimes to him without any motivation whatsoever to do so? -1 because he seems smarter about  murderers than that.

Why is Dexter meeting with Isaak Sirko when the cops are tailing him?! -1 for being uncharacteristically stupid. But +1 because I'm way touched by his “we could have been friends” speech. Serial killers need fwends, too.

“I've got an idea for a story…a true crime writer gets charged with the very crime he wrote about! [I'm paraphrasing.] You have to appreciate the irony.” God, I love it when Dexter gets sassy. +2

“I can't even have a drink with someone without him dying.” I know we're working with a narrative thread of “Deb never gets to be happy, even for a second,” but this is getting ridiculous. -1

“My grandma said ‘trust those who see the truth but doubt those who say that they have found it' and she was never wrong about anything.” OMG, was Hannah's grandma her Harry?? +1 for intrigue.

“He threatened to leave me unless I got an abortion.” Aw, Hannah is a killer with a heart, just like Dex. Kind of. +1

Does Quinn really think he's going to be able to bribe good cop Batista with a $10,000 check? -1 because again, Quinn is not that smart.

Dexter feels the stirrings of love for the first time for this psycho chick he just met. No points, but poor Deb.

“It's you, Dex. Do what you do.” I love how quickly Deb went from being all like, “that's fucked up” to being like “kill Hannah.” And you know what? She's right (at least within the logic of the show). -1 because Dexter is kind of losing it and I'm not sure he's going to listen. But +2 for some great dramatic irony!

TOTAL: +5, more good than bad and definitely an exciting episode despite its shortcomings. Which I'm beginning to realize are synonymous with Dexter's shortcomings, as the show presents him as some sort of ubermench.