Video: Conan Reenacts The Justin Bieber Paternity Scandal With Peanuts

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Yes, peanuts. As in: groundnuts, legumes, goobers, geek-poison, G.W. Carver gold, the crunchy stuff in that Pad Thai you're eating again, you unadventurous chump. A video segment on last night's episode of Conan used a couple of peanuts-in-the-shell to recreate the Justin Bieber/Mariah Yeater paternity scandal… with a little creative interpreting, of course.

Basically: we see peanut Bieber and peanut Mariah fucking in the bathroom. For Conan's sake, I certainly hope he cast a nut of legal age to play Justin, because the last thing we need is another Bieber-related scandal. Nut activists unite!

If you haven't been following this scintillating saga, Mariah has dropped the charges against Justin because, well, because he isn't the father of her kid. Bieber and his team still might sue Mariah for defamation, though — and we hope to see that lawsuit reenacted by grapes.