Untying the Knot Will Turn You Off From Marriage Completely

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Untying the Knot - Season 1


Last night Bravo aired the series premiere of Untying the Knot, and it was everything I'd hoped it would be and more. There are few things I love more than a good televised fight, especially one between two people who try so hard to maintain their composure and well-coiffed hairdos for the sake of the camera — all while dealing with an annoying third party who feels the need to butt right on in and take matters into her own hands. It’s part of the reason that I follow the Real Housewives franchise more closely than national political trends or some basic hygiene guidelines (don’t repeat that).

So, in the interest of having more conversation topics with which to completely alienate most normal people, I watched Bravo’s newest attempt at making us all feel uncomfortable and turning us off entirely from the institution of marriage.

How do I begin to tell you what I gleaned from this half hour of pure fun and petty joke-making (mostly at the wife's expense)? I could regale you with the irritating heartbreaking tale of the dissolution of a couple’s marriage and their fight over a Buddha purchased from “monks” in Thailand, that actually just turned out to be a decorative piece of wood. I could revere divorce attorney and mediator Vikki Ziegler — a woman so great that she not only hijacked one Real Housewife’s name, but also managed to look like a perfectly engineered combination of Melissa Gorga and Jacqueline Laurita — for her attempt to reach a viable settlement in order to save the couple boatloads (yes, that’s a technical mediator-esque term) of money in court. But this show is so much more than that.

We all know that Andy Cohen has a special affinity for developing spin-offs. I propose that he get to work on these fine gentlemen:

michael-millea-head mark-millea-head


Meet Michael and Mark Millea, the adorably alliterative appraiser/brother tag-team Vikki employs to evaluate how much disputed items are worth before she tells couples exactly how to share their toys. I have to say, the most exciting part of this show was the awkward minute-long scene that Bravo editors like to insert between lengthy commercial breaks to remind their viewers that they’re actually watching a show, and not just one long self-promotion for the network. This one featured the two kindly sirs, one of whom apparently did not realize that he would appear on camera that day and had decided not to bathe. Not only did they display the right way to execute the “smile and nod” maneuver while witnessing a couple fight, but they accurately described their job as being glorified “creepy snoopers,” a passion for which they discovered while “poking through their grandma’s drawers.” Ain't nothing like a little honesty to spice up a lousy old appraisal session, am I right? It goes without saying that these guys make for great TV, and since I'm sure the Bravo execs are reading this right now, they would do well to keep that in mind.

It’s too soon to say what Untying the Knot has in store for us. I'll just break out the wine and brace myself for the day that my prayers are answered and a Real Housewife herself appears on the show, fighting with her husband over a coveted diamond-encrusted shoe horn crafted from the horn of a Tahitian unicorn.