Vampire Sex Sucks: Were The Honeymoon Scenes In Breaking Dawn Worth The Wait?

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This is a place for Twilight fans to be comfortable in their Twilight-obsessed skin, and to celebrate the moment that got us into this whole mess in the first place: the fantasy of f*cking a vampire. You will not be judged here, or made to feel shame for loving something others mock. Your feminist beliefs will not be questioned, for we shall accept that it is possible to identify as such and yet still love the tale of a clumsy, insecure teen who’s sole reason for living is a possessive, old-fashioned vampire. [tagbox tag= “Breaking Dawn”]

Which is why I’m not afraid to admit it. The second it became clear in the first book that Edward and Bella were destined for a future together, forever, I was all “Chop, chop! Let’s get to the good part where they bone, please!” because I am a grown woman with hormones and an endless supply of Trader Joe’s wine. But they didn’t, and each consecutive book in the series was like one giant, werewolf shaped cock-block. Finally, we get to it in Breaking Dawn, and even though the book doesn’t deliver the skin-to-skin scenes we started craving 1691 pages prior (I counted), the movie does. Oh, how it does.

In case you’re one of those smug a-holes who thinks they’re too highbrow to dig Twilight yet are somehow still reading this column, let me bring you up to speed: Edward and Bella are virgins and so in love! She wants to bone him and be made into a vampire and he’ll only agree to both if they’re married. After a quick engagement, they wed and then jet off to a honeymoon on Isle Esme, the private Brazilian island owned by Edward’s dad. Which brings us to THE pivotal moment of the entire Twilight series (if you are someone whose biggest concern is the main characters doing it): the sex scene.

Bella is nervous, guys. Just a couple of years ago she was an awkward nerd digging up a cactus outside of her Phoenix home to bring with her on her move to Washington state, and now she’s an awkward nerd about to get plowed for the first time by the world’s most attractive non-human who has been saving himself for 108 years. After eyeing their suite for a few awkward seconds, Bella sends Edward outside to frolic in the waves while she shaves her legs and brushes her teeth in an “OMG I’m about to bone for the first time” panic. Finally she musters up some courage, strips, and heads out to the beach in only a towel. She meets him in the sea and he tenderly eyes her perky breasts as they being passionately making out. Foreplay, guys. Remember that?

Cut to: They are doing it in the bed. Finally. They’re in the missionary position because Edward is annoying like that and Bella has yet to learn about Reverse Cowgirl. But it’s sweet and tender – lots of smiling and kissing and caressing and resting forehead to forehead as Edward gently thrusts about. We see Bella’s hands scratch along his back a few times to signal, “Hey guys, I am feeling things.” Then the sex picks up some speed. Edward holds on to the headboard to really give him some momentum to get all up in that (well played for a virgin, dude) until it crumbles from the strength of his hands as he climaxes. The next morning Bella awakens in a sea of feathers, let loose from the confines of their pillow prison after Edward bit into them to control himself mid-screw. You know, the usual.

But here’s where things get annoying for both Bella and the viewer. The new Mrs. Cullen is a bit bruised after their rough night of passion, and so Edward refuses to put it in her again. We’re tortured with a montage of Bella and Edward playing chess on the beach interspersed with scene after scene of her trying to seduce him. How goddamn humiliating for Bella! She just wants to get laid by her husband, the most attractive man on the planet, and he has to go and be all moral and controlling. Even a lingerie show doesn’t sway him. You can feel the dull ache of her lady blue balls throbbing through the screen as she tears up begging him to to put out. (Here’s where the feminist voice in my head begins to scold me for enjoying this series.) She finally gets her way when she wins their chess game, which we’re lead to believe is the determining factor in their annoying will-they or won’t-they dance. Thankfully we get one more glimpse at their sex life, with Bella straddling Edward for some on-top making out as he lies naked in their bed. She’s dressed in some sheer tank top and Edward does that hot thing where he sits up so she’s on his lap and they’re like facing each other and…UNF. Yeah. It’s pretty nice to look at.

Whew. Still with us?

With the exception of a kissing scene in a waterfall, this is the end of the great Bella and Edward sex marathon of 2011. In the days to follow she becomes knocked up by his super-sperm and endures an accelerated pregnancy with a demon-baby that’s feasting on her blood. It’s kinda too intense to bone with that drama going down.

But overall, the sex delivers. Bella and Edward’s chemistry is intense and palpable and I can only imagine it’s because they’re played by real-life lovers Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. They’ve done this before (hopefully they’re doing it right now) and are extraordinarily comfortable with each other. Their connection is obvious and passionate and makes up for what the scene lack in boob and butt shots.

Still, I wish there had been boob and butt shots.