True Blood Season Three: Now There Are Werewolf Nazis?

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“I didn't know vampires and werewolves were enemies,” said my dad after watching the season premiere of True Blood that we've all been waiting for. How could he not though? Hasn't he seen Twilight? Oh that's right; most guys have not read, seen, or involve themselves in any way shape or form with the Stephanie Meyers series. The same can't be said for True Blood, which has a serious cult of dude followers, ostensibly into it because it's on HBO and they can show tits, but secretly because dudes love vampire mythology as much as chicks do, but don't want to come off as “gay.” Too bad then, because this season is seriously all about bro-love.

For those keeping score at home, Ryan Kwanten wasn't lying when he said there'd be a lot less naked Jason Stackhouse this season. Only one shirtless scene? And he's impotent again, as a result of shooting Tara's boyfriend Eggs (yup)? Poor Jason. I'd feel worse for him, if this show didn't play up for laughs the fact that both Stackhouse children are borderline mentally handicapped, Forest Gump style. Especially Jason, but let's face it, Sookie isn't too bright either. Like her first response to finding out Bill has been kidnapped is to file a “Missing Persons?” Leaving out the fact that Bon Temps police force is run by a bunch of yokels that would put Barney Fife to shame, Bill is not a person. He is vampire, Soookeh. A'doi.

Speaking of disappointing, Alan Ball really went ahead and denied his viewers the pleasure of taking their True Blood drinking game shot by not having Bill utter one “SOOOOKEH!” the entire episode. He made up for it though, with a very lovely dream sequence of Sam Merlotte and Bill about to do it. Not to mention the back-end nudity of Alex Skarsgard twenty minutes into the program. (And it's like ex-squeeze me, hasn't he heard of hair gel?) Don't cry for Jason Stackhouse if he doesn't get laid (as much) this season; there's plenty more ass where he came from.

But probably the most important reveal this season is the existence of WEREWOLVES. Yes, not the kindly shape-shifters like Sam Merlotte and his redneck family he's trying to track down, but actual Team Jacob werewolves. Except these guys are hicks (well, even more hick-ish than most of what we've seen so far on the show…which for a Southern Gothic, doesn't really have much respect for the South), and apparently also Nazis? Because Operation Werewolf? Sorry, you don't get to make that kind of reference off-the-cuff. Only¬† Eli Roth gets to do that, and thankfully you are not Eli Roth. Why not just make them KKK werewolves?

Also, there was some stuff about Tara trying to off herself, but not before Arlene gave the best line in the show about “who hasn't dated a serial killer in this town?” or something to that effect. LOL! True! In real life, all the people in Bon Temps would be in jail for murder or attempted murder or killing a god (not sure if that counts but it should!). That thought keeps me warm at night, and tuning in next week, when the entire cast will be tried before a vampire magistrate (who is now more important than the queen? Okay.) and sentenced to death. Real death, not vampire death. Except for Jessica and Hoyt, who should get their own spin-off because <3 <3 <3 TRUE LOVE.