True Blood S5E3: Everyone But LaFayette, Pam And Eric Needs To Go Away Forever

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I know, I know, every True Blood recap should probably be titled this. But this week's episode was especially egregious.

First and foremost, we got to see some more of the Vampire Tara plot, which is developing more slowly than a thought in Jason Stackhouse‘s head. Vampire Tara angry! Vampire Tara smash! Vampire Tara hates Sookie and Lafayette! Blah, blah, blergh, hiss. Would you rather just be dead, Vampire Tara? Oh wait, I guess you would. But I still do not believe for a second that Tara would choose something so undignified as Death By Tanning Bed. Even if she is missing part of her brain.

Viewers got an incongruous dose of realness with the “Jason finally figures out why he's a sex addict” plot, which was balanced out nicely by the “what the fuck kind of creature did Jessica smell?” one. In a world so overcrowded with supernaturals already, do we really need a pixie-gremlin hybrid with interdimensioal alien blood, too? Prediction: he's just a regular old fairy, and he's going to do some dumb fairy shit with Sookie.

The Authority plot continued on its heavy-handed way, even name checking Osama Bin Laden for anyone who didn't get the 1,001 references to the “War On Terror” in the last episode. Russell Edgington is his own man, dammit, and will make Vampire¬†Chris Meloni pay for comparing him to a drably dressed man of religion. And “Salome” looks a distracting amount like Lea Michele. I will admit, however, that the closeted Reverend makes an excellent replacement for Nan Flanagan. The man is winningly insane.

On the positive side, the episode was mercifully devoid of shifter/werewolf bullshit, substituting in its place the more momentum-building plot of “what happened to Debbie Pelt“? Like the ever sensible LaFayette pointed out, Sookie could have pleaded self-defense and gotten off scot-free, but nothing can ever be easy or simple where Sookie is concerned. I mean, she was basically given carte blanche to shoot Debbie in the face without having to answer to anyone for it, but instead she's going to try to cover it up, make her buddy LaFayette an accessory to a crime, and generally make everything look way more suspicious than it already does, because…why? She feels bad about it? (Maybe she shouldn't have done it, then?) Because she thinks the naked geniuses in the Bon Temps police department would determine she had a few seconds to deliberate and put her in jail forever? Spare me.

The episode did earn several points for showing us Hoyt dressed up like a fangbanger complete with guyliner, and also for showing us more of Pam and Eric‘s backstory wherein she basically entraps him into making her a vampire. It seems like this was yet another instance of the show bending the vampire rules when it's convenient to do so (couldn't he have healed her self-inflicted wounds without turning her?), but I'll suspend my disbelief, because vampires aren't real in the first place, and because TEAM PAM AND ERIC FOREVER, FUCK SOOKIE'S MAGICAL FAIRY SNATCH.

Of course, because America hates gay black people, LaFayette is never allowed to be happy or even just moderately miserable for very long, so we had to end with a resurgence of the creepy mask face/brujeria plot we thought had died with Jesus. What have they done to my precious LaLa now? Will Pam and Tara form a begrudging friendship? And how will Alcide react to the news that Sookie killed his girlfriend? My guesses are 1.) nothing serious, if they know what's good for them, 2.) but of course, and 3.) shirtlessly, but tune into this shit show next week to find out for sure.