True Blood 3×09: The VBI

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Oh man, Eric and Pam are in trouble! It's the V-Feds, who are like the Army, except they are headed up by the same people who are on TV as pro-rights vampire pundits? Sure. It would actually be nice if people like Rush Limbaugh put their money where their mouth was and spear-headed anti-drug campaigns, but whatever Jake, it's V-land. Eric gets silvered. Roll credits.

King Russell runs home to find the ectoplasm morph of his dead lover Talbot, and does a pretty convincing impersonation of someone in real anguish. But since Talbot was a petty, flightless thing, we can't imagine that his replacement would be hard to find. Almost to juxtapose the horror of the loss of a real relationship, we see Sookie and Bill taking a lover's blood-bath together. Remember how they broke up for twenty minutes last episode? High stakes! They get into another fight about the dead werewolves in Sookie's fight. They are Ronnie and Sammi! Except instead of alcohol, blood turns Bill into a fist-pumping vampire. He's like “Sorry about that secret file, it's basically Eric's fault.” Sookie is like “We have to be able to trust each other.” Blugh.

Jesus blah blah blah jaguar tattoo. Probs because he can turn into a jaguar. Or his high school emblem was the jaguar. You never know with this show! Crystal pretended she was kidnapped so she could go to Jason's. And in the world where actions really do have consequences (haha, just kidding, we're still talking about True Blood!) Eric must now kill King Russell without the help of VBI (also the name of my dog's health insurance provider, btw) or queen or anyone. But we're betting he will get help, since live together die alone the King is also after Bill.

Sam tells Tara to see a therapist, and that's like telling Bill to see a dentist. Obvious, not gonna happen, but she does go to a women's support group headed up by Holly, that creepy-eyed lady. Good, because last time Tara trusted a self-help gurur, she turned out to be a maenad. Too bad Tara's bad hoodoo seems to be rubbing off on Sam, who despite not being involved in anyone's b.s. this season besides his own family, is still getting shit on. Sookie's nephew can also read mind's, which is put to the best use possible with some fun fish descriptions in the aquarium!

But of course, the best part of the episode was learning that FRANKLIN WAS STILL ALIVE! Thank God. Alan Ball has listened to the message boards and gone “Oops.” Oh, but then Jason kills him. Probably because after his awesome cameo, James Frain has better things to do with his day than be on this show. But maybe that means Jason is getting smarter? Thankfully with Hoyt and Jessica maybe getting back together, this show might be worth watching again.