Tom Cruise Finally Has Another Wife Lined Up, And Contrary To Rumors I Made Up, It’s Not Taylor Swift

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Hope you didn't throw away your tuxedo shirt, because Tom Cruise is getting remarried and he's getting remarried soon. In fact, it could have already happened. INCEPTION! I mean, I think we can all agree that it's taken long enough. This is a marriage Tom, not a entree selection on a wedding invite. Don't over think it. Your whole attitude right now should be Katie Holmes who?

According to The National Enquirer, scientologists already used the technology from OkXenu to pick  beloved scientology princess Yolanda Pecoraro as the next Mrs. Tom Cruise. Because this time they're not messing around with actresses who know how to hire publicists, call lawyers and use the Internet. It's time to recruit from within. INCEPTION!

A former member of the church told the Enquirer that Yolanda is a “Scientology princess, perfect for Tom,” both her parents were members and that she’s been taking Scientology courses since she was just 13 years old. Yolanda lives in a modest Silver Lake, Calif. apartment and told the Enquirer, “Yes, I knew and still know Tom Cruise. And no, I’m not married or engaged.”

While this is all “rumored” and “alleged” and other dirty words I prefer not to use within the sacred Crushable space, I want you to know now that he's off the market. (Unless you're Yolanda Pecoraro. Then he's very much on the market. You should call him or text him or something. I don't know. I mean be coy, but be forward. Maybe a nip slip sext?)

What can Yolanda Pecoraro expect from her contracted marriage to Tom Cruise? Everything a beard could ever want.

Children with designer clothes, photo shoots that require bending down to his height, rumored brainwashing headlines in leading tabloids, the loss of all privacy and personal dignity and a cameo in one Tom Cruise produced film. Probably Mission Impossible 6: Yes, I Did All My Own Stunts! I Don't Understand Why You're Not Impressed! Is It Because I'm Weird? I Can See That. Anyways Carry On, While I Go Jump Off This Building…

Good luck Yolanda! May I still be working at Crushable when you call Katie Holmes and ask her how to get out of your loveless marriage!

(Photo: The Blemish)