How To Shatter A Married Man’s World In 11 Days, Starring Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise And A Marriage Contract

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This week People Magazine brings us the tragic true story of Tom Cruise, a married man who became a single dad in 11 days. Not since the tragedy of the Hindenburg disaster have we felt so much sorrow for a contraption filled with hot air, unrealistic fantasies and a soaring ego. Woe is the scientologist who cast the wrong wife in the role of “loyal beard #3.”

While I haven't read the feature story yet, I already know that it will be filled with tear-jerking stories from anonymous sources conjured up by underpaid publicists working late into the night to spin this divorce in Tom Cruise's favor.

And if they did their jobs right, if they managed to pull at our collective heartstrings correctly, we'll weep for Tom Cruise and the injustice that he suffered in the mainstream media. We'll curse that wretched Katie Holmes for her treachery and contract breachery. We'll burn all the Catholic churches — and the Episcopal ones too just to be safe. We'll buy every book L. Ron Hubbard ever wrote and we'll sign up for a billion year contract with Sea Org.

We'll purchase every DVD copy of First Daughter ever created and then we'll break them in half, just to show our defiance toward that harlot, and our allegiance toward this broken single father struggling to make ends meet. A zillion dollars only goes so far when you have to pay for household staff members certified in scientology.

We'll wear Free Suri shirts until she's returned into his loving arms and we'll brainwash ourselves into believing that this completely devoted husband and father truly was blindsided by this divorce.

And then we'll sleep soundly at night knowing that even though a man can go from married to single in 11 days, he can still be featured on a magazine cover that helps him promote his carefully crafted image. God bless America! And single dads everywhere!