A Guy Says: A Guide for Auditioning Your Personal Life, Inspired By Tom Cruise

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This week, Vanity Fair revealed to us that Tom Cruise allegedly held auditions for the role of girlfriend in his own life.  Not in a biopic or an action movie.  But in his own life!  That is fantastic.  What a tough process that must have been both for Tom Cruise and the girlfriend he eventually chose who was give a task more difficult than any Tom Cruise had in any of his Mission Impossible movies: tolerate Tom Cruise for at least a year.

Well, I know how hard it is to find a girlfriend in the real world let alone in a casting office so I’ve written some rules to keep in mind when holding such auditions:

When in the course of a life, one’s personal affairs become so desperate and pathetic that one finds no other alternative than to hold auditions to fill the roles in their life normally filled by people who love them unconditionally, it is advised that one should fill those roles in this order.

  1. Mothers 2. Sisters 3. Brothers 4. Fathers 5. Girlfriends 6. Uncles 7. Aunts 8. Pet goldfish 9. Man’s Best Friend 10. Woman’s Best Friend 11. Daughters 12. Sons 13. Accidental Sons 14. Accidental Daughters 15. Former college professors 16. Ex-Wives 17. Cousins 18. Neighbors 19. Rabbi’s (or other religious leaders) 20. Self

When choosing someone to fill the role of a person in one’s immediate family, it is advised that they choose someone of a logically age and appearance in relation to their own.  For example, when one holds auditions for the role of “Mother,” because their own mother disowned them after discovering auditions were held to find her a daughter-in-law, it is advised that one not choose a Eva Longoria-type when they are a short, white male of the same age.

In the case where a person is found who adequately fits a specific role, it is advised that the desperate person not greet the actor/actress for the first time by saying something like, “Hello, Mother!”(et. al).  Rather, the actor or actress should be greeted upon the initial meeting as follows:

Pursuant to the terms set forth in the contract signed by you in the presence of a notary, my lawyers, and your representation on (insert date contract sign), I love you and you love me.  Be advised that henceforth all of your actions shall fall within the boundaries of our love, which were established in the aforementioned contract.  Any action by you that my lawyers or I deem inappropriate may forfeit this love and render the contract null and void.

In the event that the actor/actress should embarrass you in a public place (movie house, restaurant, publically funding park) or private place (Thanksgiving dinner, private screening of The Notebook, privately funded park), it is advised that one not break up with that person, but rather charge that person with a breach of contract.  “Break-up” is the complex jargon of people with meaningful personal lives, within which are other people who demonstrate genuine human emotion.  “Breach of contract,” on the other hand, is a legal term that absolves the pathetic soul from any risk when the actor/actress sues said pathetic soul for backed wages associated with voided love.

Moments of intimacy should not take place in a private place like the pathetic souls bedroom.  Such moments are fraught with legal risk for both parties; therefore, moments of intimacy should occur in the office of either party’s lawyer, on the couch, or other appropriate sofa, during office hours to reduce the risk of legal issues for either side.

During said moments, it is advised that neither party make eye contact or speak a words such as, “Oh,” or “Aw,” or “Yeah, right there,” or “I think I might like you,” as to avoid feelings of intimacy or caring or make present parties uncomfortable.

Finally, one must make sure that these auditions never come to light, or they will make for an embarrassing moment for said pathetic soul.  Not because it is embarrassing that a person would even take part in such activities, but because that news would seem too believe in light of the desperate person’s past.

(Photo: Pacific Coast News)