Entertainment

Tom and Katie’s Baby Must Be Born In a “Controlled Environment”

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tom and katie kissing According to the paradigm of virtue Star Magazine, Tom and Katie don't know where the hell they're going to pop that little publicity stunt baby out. More from the Star:

“The baby is due any day, but they haven't come to an agreement on the birthing site,” says an old friend of Katie.

Although sources say Katie has agreed to have the baby according to Scientology's tenets — meaning the birth will be drug-free, Tom won't be allowed in the room and there will be total silence around Katie during (and for four to six hours after) the delivery — “she doesn't know what to expect. This is her first birth,” Katie's friend reminds Star.”

Come over dearie and let Auntie Snark fill you in on “what to expect.” Comfortable? Yes? Okey dokey!

Pain is not an option. TomSomebody might have told you that if you do all your cult Scientology breathing exercises in just the right way, you won't have any pain. I want to let you know that THIS IS A CROCK OF POO POO. Oh, dear Katie – you'll be in so much pain that you won't be able to draw a breath. You won't be able to watch reruns of “Dawson's Creek” without crying in agony…oh, wait, we already do that. Just suffice it to say that breathing exercises are a lie from the Debbil, girl. They don't do squat. Get the drugs, get them fast, and – what was that? You can't have drugs because you're in a cult Scientology? Really? Well, good luck with that. (Katie! don't let Tom read this part! Grab yourself some extra Vicadin and Percoset from his secret stash..oh you know what I'm talking about! Get it now before he finds out!)

Silence is not an option. Really, I'm all for being quiet and all, but having a baby usually isn't the place you're going to experience much quiet. When Auntie Snark had her three kids she yelled a little bit. Yes, really. Actually, substitute the word “yelled” for screamed in bone-crunching agony and “a little bit” for three days straight. Silence is golden but it's a rare woman who doesn't sound like a rampaging wildebeest whilst in labor.

Expect the unexpected. Let's get serious, Katie. You and Tommy Boy can plan this delivery all the live long day, but there's never been a birth documented on earth that has gone according to plan. Expect pain, noise, disgusting things coming out and going in your body, just expect a lot of messy goo and chaos. Because that's just the nature of birth – no matter how much your new cult Scientologist buddies want to sanitize everything.

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