I Thought I Watched The Vampire Diaries, not The Amazing Race

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Catch Me if you Can This week, The Vampire Diaries was all about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean, Jeremy the Vampire Hunter. After Bonnie, Jeremy is probably the most useless character. Matt doesn’t even have any supernatural abilities and I’d take him over those two any day. Also, apparently we only watch the show for Nina Dobrev, Paul Wesley, and Ian Somerhalder, because other major characters like Tyler and Caroline were nowhere to be found in this episode. Since not every week can be about who’s hooking up with who, this was an “action-packed” episode that featured pretty much each sibling from the Original Family spearheading a team in the race for the cure to vampirism. First we have Klaus who reminded me this week why I thought he was creepy and unattractive in Season 2. When he gets all evil and bossy, he gets this Gollum look in his face and suddenly, you want to cross him off your celebrity free pass list. He’s got Elena, Jeremy, and Damon on his side because in a twisted way, he’s the least of three evils. Next, we have Rebekah paired with Stefan on Team “Our Big Brothers Hurt Our Feelings”. And out of nowhere, Kol forms on Team “Me, Myself, and I” with no allies because he’s literally only appeared in about 3 other episodes of TVD. Ever. Knowing you all care about the action/adventure concepts of the show as little as I do, let’s cut to the chase. Kol compels Damon to kill Jeremy because he doesn’t want anyone to find Silas, the immortal being imprisoned with the cure. Apparently if we wake up Silas, the world is going to end. Yeah, we already fell for Y2K (am I reaching with this reference, millennials?) and the 2012 apocalypse scares. Sorry Kol, this Silas we haven’t met yet doesn’t have us fooled. Ironically, Bonnie has the most intriguing storyline as we find out she’s a junkie….on magic. It was like TVD writers created a storyline about coke addiction for her and then just replaced all mentions of drugs with magic. There were symptoms, support systems, and mentions of rehab. Um, what? Bonnie Bennett is officially the most pathetic character on scripted television. Onto what you MOST care about: Elena and her twisted threesome with Stefan and Damon. Just because Elena is a vampire doesn’t mean she’s not as arrogant and self-righteous as she was before. In fact, the vampirism has probably magnified it. Like when Damon is compelled, Elena apparently thinks to herself “LOVE IS MY SUPERPOWER.” And when she tells Damon that because she loves him, he won’t go kill Jeremy, he looks at her for a second and runs away. Typical guy. My favorite part of the entire episode is when Stefan doesn’t really want to talk to her towards the end, and she tells him she gets he’s hurt. And he’s like, “You said WHAT, bitch?” and then f-ing OWNS her. One of his lines summed up it best: “This is what I look like when I’m not in love with you.” BAM. He’s over it, girl. You had to expect he wouldn’t take that crap anymore at some point. Because no episode of TVD can end without a “mega” lead-in to what will happen next week, we see Stefan and Rebekah hook up, agreeing no feelings involved. I’m quietly rooting for them to become endgame because we know all the annoying TVD fans want Damon and Elena together when the series is over. And then Elena and Jeremy play a mixed gender version of the Hardy Boys (again, is this reference too old? Do people even read books anymore?) and develop a plan to kill Kol because he sucks and no one likes him. Oh, and because if you kill an Original vampire, you kill every vampire they ever created and then Jeremy only has to kill once to get enough deaths to find out where the cure is. What will happen next? Why were Tyler and Caroline MIA? They’re mad at each other so we know they didn’t run off for a supernatural sex marathon. When will Stefan and Rebekah’s “no strings attached” arrangement turn sentimental? Will Bonnie go to magic junkie rehab? Can we get Matt an interesting girl? Since we didn’t see April in this episode, can we hope we’ll never have to see her again? Will the Original Family ever go to family therapy? Will Elena stop being so pretentious now that both Salvatore brothers have put her in her place? Leave comments below and follow me every week for the scoop on The Vampire Diaries! (Photo: CW TV)