The Sisterhood Is Officially My New Favorite ShitShow On TLC

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The Sisterhood TLC Tara and BrianNow hear this. I'm making my first prediction of 2013, and I'm doing it in front of witnesses so you can all pat me on the back in congratulations when I turn out to be right. The Sisterhood is the next hit show of TLC, and Tara Lewis is the crazypants star we've all been waiting for. Not the one we deserve, or even the one we need. But the one we've waited for. The Sisterhood is a show about the wives of preachers, who I learned call themselves ‘first ladies'. There are five of them, only four of whom we've met so far, and they have to be a certain type of woman with a certain kind of balls because apparently in this community, floozies throw themselves at pastors like they're world-class athletes, so you gotta defend your man.

First there's Christina Murray, who describes herself as young, hip, and Dominican, and is married to Pastor Anthony of Oasis Church. Her hair is long and shiny and I think they hired two sassy grown up actresses to play their daughters, because they seem too mature and collected to be getting the sex talk that they got last night, with banana condoms and all.

Next there's Ivy Couch, who is married to Pastor Mark, of Emmanuel Tabernacle. In her mind, she was a member of the girl group Xscape, but in real life she was only brought on as Kandi Burruss‘s replacement after the group disbanded. She also wants you to be aware that she and her husband have a very active sex life, okay?? He gave her handcuffs as a gift and made it clear for the camera that later on that night she'd be wearing them and nothing else.

We also have Domonique Scott, who is married to Pastor Brian, formerly of the Good Life Church. They had to close its doors because they didn't have money to pay for both their own electricity bill and that of the church. And because of all the financial turmoil, their marriage has taken quite a hit. But don't worry, they won't get divorced, because Jesus isn't on board with that. He is, however, on board with separation, so hop to it, kids. Also worth noting that Domonique has the best one-liners so far. She called another first lady a ‘peculiar treasure'. I'm obsessed.

And finally, the woman herself — Tara Lewis. She's super worked-out, calls herself the Black Barbie and she's also married to a Pastor Brian, except this one is formerly of Phenomenal Life Church. They don't have a church right now either, because they got fired from their last placement…no one knows why yet. They have an interracial marriage (she's black, he's white and Jewish) that has caused both sides of their family to completely disown them, even though they've been married, oh and Brian is a gay man. Also probably crazy, but my gaydar is going off way hard. This man seeeeeems like a ‘mo. He also says that, “It's not a real marriage until the cops have come to your house”, a standard he achieved when he called the police on Tara because he was tired of her. He also says that Jews are the original black men and oh my god I can't wait to watch this couple in action. There's just no way I'll believe they're actually in a relationship.

Can't wait for the rest of this season. PREACH, LADIES.