A RHONY Season Recap: The Many Lies Of Countess LuAnn De Lesseps

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This fifth season of The Real Housewives of New York City has drawn to a close, and it's time to look back fondly and remember all the lessons we've learned from these six ladies. From Heather Thomson we've learned that Ramona Singer doesn't like to fight with more than one person at once, from Sonja Morgan we've learned that it takes over three years to design the box to a toaster oven, from Aviva Drescher we've learned that I don't like Aviva Drescher, from Carole Radziwill we've learned what it means to be a lady, and from our own eyes and ears we've learned that LuAnn de Lesseps is a lying sack of Countess.

I'd never really been aware of it in past seasons, most likely because she'd never been caught in a lie on film before, but LuAnn sure does like to embroider the truth. And if a little embroidery isn't helping, she turns to crocheting, or darning, or just straight effing lying to the people around her. I suppose I should've expected it from someone who still insists on being introduced as ‘Countess', even though a. it was a title through marriage and b. she's not even in that marriage anymore. But she's an attractive lady and she speaks so highly of herself that I just went along with it. So with that in mind, let's take a few moments to go through the Countess' various lies throughout this season, so we won't get fooled again.

First of all, she is lying to herself if she thinks any of her songs are good. The fact that she would stand on a stage in front of her friends and a reality show audience and sing “Money Can't Buy You Class” and “Chic, C'est La Vie” is the greatest mystery the world has ever known. I think even an American Idol hopeful in the early auditions would be too ashamed to break out either of those talk-singing monstrosities.

She's lying to the world when she says she still wants to have a baby at her age. Or that she still can. First of all, she has two TEENAGE kids already. And second of all, if she listened to the words coming out of her own mouth, she'd realize that she's trying to have a baby to convince a younger guy to stay with her, which is another thing I, at 25, know you're not supposed to do. In fact, I think I learned that one from all those after-school specials where girls poke holes in their own condoms. Stop metaphorically doing that, LuAnn.

Also Jacques is not attractive. That is another lie you're telling yourself.

And probably the most important and provable lie of the entire season — the Tomas drama. Here's what I think happened: she met this hot guy, Tomas. And he's not even LuAnn hot, he's just actually hot. Also she was drunk, so she let him come home with her and they made sex. That's what I think happened.

Here's what the Countess wants us to believe happened: LuAnn ran into a bunch of her Italian friends and then brought them back to the house for a nightcap. If you heard male voices it was them! Tomas has never been to the house!

…here's why that's problematic. Heather saw Tomas at the house, first of all, and other Housewives heard voices. But not a group of Italian voices. Two male voices speaking French, in Carole's words, and one of them was LuAnn and one of them was Tomas. Okay so he was there. Which she for some reason kept denying, but proved when she made a phone call while mic-ed and told her friend in French to tell Tomas he was never there. Okay so, hi, we caught you in a lie. Time to admit everything.

But no! Just time to change your story! Now Tomas gave her a ride back to the house because she didn't have a car. Even though she'd previously said to Ramona, “Thank god you left the car for me.” So that's some bullshit. She had a car. What she didn't have was a penis, and that's the only thing Tomas had that she needed. We'll never know if they had sex or not, but I'm pretty sure they did, otherwise I don't know why she'd have gone to these lengths to lie so shittily about it.

Oh and finally, she was lying when she said she spoke fluent French. Because I heard that telephone conversation and damn, girl, that shit was jacked.

(Image: Bravo)