Real Housewives Of Miami: Mama Elsa Patton Lays The Smackdown On…Well, Everybody

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Watch out, you guys, because The Real Housewives of Miami is about to get a lot more fiery, and none other than Mama Elsa Patton is leading the charge. As in most of the tasteless reality shows that I love so dearly, the first 3-5 episodes keep most of the drama under the surface, simmering quietly. That's been the case with RHOM, with little feuds sparking up between everyone from Karent Sierra and Adriana de Moura-Sidi to Lea Black and Marysol Patton to Joanna Krupa and her fiance Romain. These fights are sparking up, like I said…but never catching fire. Until last night.

It all started at a party that Alexia Echevarria was hosting, when Elaine Lancaster, that drag queen that Marysol is? isn't? feuding with tried to sit down next to Elsa and call her ‘mama'. Ohhh no. Oh no you do NOT do that to Mama Elsa and her face while you're saying shit behind her daughter's back. You can sit down quietly in the same area, but if you try to speak your piece, she is gonna hit you with her pocketbook. I know she will, because she told me. The thing is, Elsa is old and beat up as shit, and she does not give one fuck. She wants to stand by the wine or sit comfortably in her VIP area. She doesn't mind if she's surrounded by faces (slightly) tighter than hers, or idiotic voices, but you best believe she will not turn her neck to face you if she doesn't want to. That is too much effort for the Muppet Queen and she. Is. Over it.

And thank god, because some of the other Housewives appear to be taking her direction. Karent and Adriana finally had an actual argument, and Alexia got involved too, because she had some extra aggression she needed to get out of her system. Joanna and her sister Marta fought too, and Marta actually moved into Lisa Hochstein‘s house to give Joanna more free time to go through Romain's email and find incriminating flirtatious messages in his inbox…and then inexplicably cook him a romantic dinner over which to gently confront him. Ana Quincoces finally got her feelings about her ex-husband Robert out in the open, as she forced him to promise to sign a pre-nup in his next marriage. Which will hopefully be at least a fraction as intimate as his current divorce.

That's all well and good, spicing up nicely, but I see from the upcoming previews that we're gonna get some tears, some raised voices, and at least one bitch gon' get smacked around. By Adriana, by the looks of it. Which actually doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Because that bitch be cray.

(Images: Bravo)