This Early Review Of The Giver Will Make You Also Wish You Didn’t Have Any Memories

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jonas brenton thwaites the giver

The Giver is one of my favorite books of all time. In fact, I recently reread it in anticipation of the movie and was pleased that it held up so well. Sometimes, something you loved as a kid turns out to be the worst when you're an adult and you really regret revisiting it. (Please see Homeward BoundBoy Meets World and cotton candy as proof of this.) Luckily that's not the case with the The Giver — even if the new book cover does highlight he fact that Taylor Swift stars in the movie.

#Blech #DoubleBlech #SoHelpMeLoisLowryIfRosemaryIsAMainCharacterNow

While I knew it would be a really difficult story to translate to screen, I still held out hope that it would work. Mostly because I've waited my whole entire life to see it as a movie. Even after Taylor Swift weaseled her way into the movie and even after Katie Holmes tricked someone into thinking she was an actress and even after the first trailer bombed, I still thought it would be good.  But alas, it looks like it's not. According to redditor BackwardsMarathon, it's a crushing disappointment. S/He claims to have seen the movie a few weeks ago and while I can't confirm that as a fact, I do pride myself in my ability to believe things on the internet that support my own agenda.

S/He says:

Save your money… Jeff Bridges is the only good part in it. That and the main premise of the movie is all it really has going for it. The biggest problem I had with the movie was the acting. The main actor playing Jonas was so boring. Katie Holmes' performance was almost laughable, and everyone else is pretty stale. Maybe if they had chosen better actors that could deliver well than maybe I would have enjoyed the movie more. Sorry to disappoint book readers hoping it would be good, but in my opinion it was very boring, unlike the book.

Now again, I don't know BackwardsMarathon. I don't know his/her tastes, Tinder strategy or feelings about the third season of Scandal, but nevertheless,  I trust him/her with my life. So I'm going to take this review as fact, quote it endlessly and practice bemoaning how this movie ruined the book and that nothing will ever be the same again and that my life is over and I'm burning every book because I can't stand seeing another one destroying by the Lamestream Media Hollywood Movie Machine.

Then I'm going to write fanfiction about Lily's wild teenage years after Jonas left the community in memory flood shambles. Because she was always destined for the Hot Mess Express with those untied pigtails and I think it's time we give her the spotlight she so deserves.

P.S – To all the movie executives reading this, I'm willing to option this fanfic story. Contact me via Tinder to discuss further.

(GIF: Tumblr)