The Bachelorette: The Tale Of James And The Crocodile Tears

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The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 6 Desiree Hartsock and James Look guys, it's me! I'm back again, and this week my disillusionment has spread from The Bachelorette, to reality television, to love itself. This is what you're doing to me with your fairytale chatter week after week, Desiree Hartsock. I hope you're proud of yourself.

We were in Barcelona for last week's episode, with two one-on-one dates and one group date. We're also told right at the top of the episode that there will be no Cocktail Party, which complicates matters significantly for all the fellas who want to blow the whistle on James not being there ‘for the right reasons' and all that blah blah blah. As you may remember from last week, a ton of the guys are having problems with James, and Drew and Kasey overheard that conversation where James plotted about becoming the next Bachelor. Aw shit son.

The one-on-one date went to Drew, who Des is still unsure about because he's shy. Their relationship has been progressing more slowly than the other guys, but he makes a point of kissing her right away at the beginning of their date, which she likes. After exploring the city for a while, he also hits another required checkpoint when he tears up talking about his family. His father is a recovering alcoholic, and that relationship has made him what he is today. Also his dad has cancer, a fact that apparently most people in his life were unaware of…until it aired last night on national television. There's a lot of crying and being touched, because Drew has never told anyone about this before, and he's home free now, because it's Official Bachelorette rules that once you reveal a secret, you're safe until someone reveals a bigger one. And sure enough, Desiree tearily says that she hopes she gets to meet his dad, presumably so that she can cry at him.

Later in the date, they steal away from their tiny table in the middle of the great wide room and go make out against a wall with a bunch of jiggly camera work to make it feel impromptu and romantic. When he has her feeling trusting and suitably wall-pressed, and once she's given him the rose (because duh), Drew brings up the conversation he overheard. He asks if Des wants to know, which is a smart move on his part, and she says she always wants to, so he tells her about James wanting to get ‘exposure and momentum' from the show. Her exact response is, and I quote, “What an asshole”. She says she believes Drew, that he doesn't need to apologize, and thanks him for telling her, so he played this one pretty right and I'm expecting James to go home post haste.

The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 6

The group date goes to Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, and Juan Pablo, and we just need to talk about Juan Pablo for a second. How has he not gotten a one-on-one date yet? That is insane. I MEAN LOOK AT HIM. What are we doing? Ugh. Back to James, today we're deciding that things were taken out of context and not addressing anything with him. Perfect. The date is a soccer date, aka Juan Pablo is excelling, and even though Des has no value for him, apparently, I really want him to be the next Bachelor. Des comes on the field with a team of professional female soccer players, and they proceed to beat the shit out of the guys' team because James has no interest in being an acceptable goalie.

At the dinner thing after soccer, some of the guys are spending their time stressing about confronting James, like Kasey and Michael, and some of them are spending their time hearing Des' terrible poetry, like Chris, or getting emotionally involved with Desiree, like Brooks. Those last two are smarter because they also got tongues in their mouths. Just saying.

Regardless, the rest of the guys finally get James to start talking about what was overheard, and his strategy is to deny that he initiated the conversation and blame the rest on Mikey. I get that the guys are annoyed, but Michael in particular is getting carried away, especially because he didn't even hear the original conversation. Kasey decides to tell Desiree about the conversation as well, and with two guys telling the same story, she finally decides to take James aside. She says she's not giving out a group date rose, and sends all the guys home except for James, whom the guys assume they're not going to see again.

Desiree tells James that she believes everything that Drew and Kasey have told her because she trusts them more than she trusts him. James continues to blame the conversation on Mikey, and is trying to talk his way out of a hole, using her name a lot and swearing on his dad that he didn't say what they're saying he said. He says he has feelings for her and makes himself cry, and there's a ton of blah blah blah and tearing up on both ends, and she says she's confused because she trusts him, and, yup, she's officially let him talk his way out of it because that's what she wants him to do. Ugh. I hate attraction, it's so unattractive. She decides to take a night and process it because she doesn't have the balls to kick him off now.

The second one-on-one date goes to Zak, who spends the day drawing and painting with Des. They're both pretty mediocre at it, but we get some great footage when their final model is nude and their faces really don't know how to feel about it. At the end, Zak strips down to his underoos to pose so we see he's playful and fun-loving! Oh boy!

Dinner tonight is in a wine cellar cave, where Zak tells Des he wants a relationship like his parents have. Des compliments his ability to find the good in anything, and he says he's only able to do that because she's such a great person. Barf. The rose is starting to mean a lot more to Des, but she gives it to him anyway because he said the magical sentence, “At this point in my life you kind of mean everything to me.” Secondary barf. In his interview he says he's in love with her, and she reveals that she trusts him 100%. And we've done it, folks. A triple barf.

Back home, James pulls Drew aside to try to talk his way out and get some acting time in in front of the camera. Now he's changing his strategy, saying that it isn't a normal situation and that it's okay for him to play for his life after he leaves the show. The argument moves to the larger group, and Michael continues to insert himself into the conversation, even though he doesn't know what he's talking about. The super awkward interaction is interrupted by Des, who appears to take James away for a chat. Again, they're not expecting him to come back, but I have almost zero faith in Des at this point, so anything can happen.

She tells the camera that this morning, she decided to send James home because she wants the guys to know she trusts them, but in conversation with the man himself, she almost immediately decides that James is being sincere. Gosh, you guys! She's more confused than ever! So confused that it's time for her to pretend to cry! It's a sad day when one of the male contestants is better at fake-crying than you are, Des. He's sorry and she knows that and he's forgiven. Ta-da! Whatever, I'm over you, Des.

At the Rose Ceremony, Drew and Zak are going in safe, and I just know she's gonna cut Juan Pablo tonight and I'm so mad about it. She gives roses to Chris, Brooks, and Michael — meaning James, Juan Pablo, and Kasey were eliminated — and I just don't know what to think anymore. Why keep James around just to refuse him a rose? Why have a dashing soccer star WITH AN ACCENT on just to sit at the mansion and miss his daughter? ANd we're keeping Michael? Who said after James left, “He was found guilty. People vs. James. Case dismissed.”? Really? I don't get it. I'll see you guys next week, but I'm not gonna like it.

(Images: ABC)