The Bachelorette: Just Your Average ‘West Virginia Backwoods Hood-Rat’

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Sometimes The Bachelorette has enough material to fill the full two hours, and the show is action-packed. And sometimes it only has enough material for about forty-five minutes, so it has to stretch everything out and add filler, and blah blah blah. This week was an example of the latter, with only one really dramatic event that they've been alluding to…literally since the first season. So let me get this recap out of the way so I can get to the juice.

The cast was in London this week, a city that Emily Maynard described with the sentence, “It's so old and it has so much history!” She's right, of course; it's the only city in the world with that distinction. Up for grabs this week were two one-on-one dates and one eight-person group dates. The first one-on-one was with Sean, who Emily finds extremely attractive, which I know because she mentions it literally anytime she says his name.The two of them went on a tour of London on a private double-decker bus and to someplace called “Speaker's Corner”, where Sean got up on a box and defined his concept of love. Just watching it, their attraction and interactions seemed very surface level and shallow, but they both separately said it was one of the best dates (and days) they'd ever had, so diff'rent strokes. They also had a private dinner in the Tower of London, where Emily said something that only a hot girl could get away with: “Sean is totally my prisoner of love tonight.” If I ever said that, it would immediately cue some scary Psycho stabby sound to come out of nowhere. Sean totes obvi got a rose and will be bringing his rugged blonde good looks to next week's episode in Dubrovnik, Croatia.

The group date was a Shakespearean performance with the eight guys who didn't get one-on-ones, and pretty much nobody liked it, including Emily, who was sick. The guys had to audition for their roles, and two of them — Doug and Arie — had to play the Nurse, while the other six got to play Romeo to Emily's Juliet. Ryan in particular was psyched, as it meant he finally got to kiss Emily…while she was lying on her back on cobblestones pretending to be dead. Super sexy. Emily was bonding with Arie again and it was pretty clear he was going to get the Rose, because he'd been such a good sport about playing a woman. BUT THEN. GASP. (Here comes the drama.) It was revealed that in conversation with the guys the night before, Kalon had referred to Ricki as ‘baggage'. Because of course he did. Because he's a shitty person, and I could've told you that from the moment he introduced himself as a ‘former womanizer' while stepping off a helicopter. Get real.

But the show format is such that Emily apparently didn't realize the full extent of his douchiness until Doug revealed it to her. At which point she got super mad (rightfully so), so much so that she wanted to “go West Virginia backwoods hood-rat on his ass.” If that's the best thing I hear all season, I won't be mad about it. That's awesome. She immediately kicked him off the show, which was great, but she felt betrayed by the other guys that they'd know but hadn't said anything to her about it. Particularly Arie, it seems, because she didn't even hand out the rose; she said she wanted to go home and go to bed.

The next day, she had her one-on-one date with Jef, and the two of them went for a spot of afternoon tea…with an etiquette teacher. Her name was Jean and she was suuuuper aggressive! One of them would be reaching to do something and she'd shout out ‘no!' and startle them into not doing it, and then lecture them on how it was wrong. Needless to say, it was extra romantic. Afterward, the two of them went for a beer and then to a private dessert in the London Eye, and then to the bank of a river where Jef finally gave Emily the kiss she's been waiting for and talking about since Bermuda. Oh and he clearly got a rose, because for some reason Emily finds him adorable.

Proceed to the cocktail party and Rose Ceremony (see, I told you not much happened except for Kalon drama), where Emily grills the guys and makes them explain why they didn't stand up for her. She had a particularly rough conversation with Arie, which was followed up with what I assume was some producer involvement, because Emily gave him his rose super late in the game. He went from being in the top five every week since the first one, to being the last one picked. I'll admit that their scare tactics worked on me, but I also saw that he's a strong presence in the previews for the rest of the season, so next time I won't be so easily fooled, ye Producer Gods. Alejandro the gentle mushroom farmer was eliminated at the ceremony, in a move surprising only to him. The kid had never been on a one-on-one, and barely been on group dates. Tough shiitakes, buddy.

So we're down to eight, and my glorious BroSquad is holding strong at four — Doug, Jef, Sean, and Arie. Them's pretty good odds, if I do say so myself. And I'm officially putting my money on Arie to go all the way. He's my pick for the win. There, I said it.

(Image: thehollywoodgossip.com)