The Bachelorette: A Thirteen-Person Date And Other Similarly Intimate Moments

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At this early stage in The Bachelorette, there are still so many guys that there isn't really an opportunity to get to know any of them in-depth. It's a portion of the competition that I'll refer to as ‘The Man Pageant'. Basically the producers' job is to get as many faces on the screen as many times as possible, and if they're able to flash the guy's name and age up there at the same time, that's just an added bonus.

So let me help you out: in tonight's pageant, the categories were ‘Looks', ‘Talks', and ‘Sparks'. Let me explain. At this stage, it seems like there are basically three ways to get into the next round:

  1. Looks: Be attractive. Plain and simple.
  2. Talks: Have an in-depth conversation about Emily Maynard. Bonus points for talking about fears, her daughter, your own kids, or Your Future Together.
  3. Sparks: Exactly what it sounds like. You seems to make Emily get little butterflizies whenever you're together.

With absolutely zero exceptions, the remaining guys each fall into one or more of those categories. And I can prove it. Follow me on this romantic re-cap journey.

Ryan, the pro-sports trainer who on his first night made a sign that said “You're so beautiful, I'm so nervous”, got the first one-on-one date with Emily and they went bungee-jumping sky-diving on a helicopter ride…carry Emily's grocery bags into the kitchen, wear an apron, and help make cookies for Ricki's soccer practice. And then wait in the car while the cookies were delivered because Emily's understandably not ready for these strangers to meet her daughter yet. Super sexy date, followed by a romantic dinner and slow-dancing in front of a bunch of strangers with camera phones while Emily constantly intoned, “I'm happy you're here,” and he responded with variations on, “You're so beautiful.” Ryan gets the rose and is admitted entry to the Looks and the Talks and the Sparks categories because Emily seems to be pretty enamored. He's still staying out of my BroSquad, though, because I really don't care for him.

Fast-forward to a super intimate thirteen-guy date where Emily makes the bachelors sing, dance, or do stand-up with The Muppets in front of five hundred to raise money for a charity. Some highlights: Charlie ekes himself into the Talks category by confessing his fears of public speaking to Emily, Stevie wears a stupid hat, and Kyle proves that he's not funny with this ‘joke':

“What did Miss Piggy to Kermit when he ate all the cookies?”
“Don't be such a pig. Oink oink.”

Arrrrre we serious? Normally I wouldn't reveal the losers so early on in a post, but since ABC itself was so eager for you to have this information yesterday, here comes a spoiler: Kyle gets eliminated. Hopefully for that exact joke. If we can call it that. Two more guys need to get eliminated, and Ryan already has his rose…followed swiftly by Jef, who gets the rose on the group date, also for being in all three categories.

Joe, a financial advisor, gets the second one-on-one date, and this one has a plane and a vintage car and it's more romantic and blah blah blahhhh but Emily's not feeling it because Joe won't talk about marriage and kids right away because it's a first date and he's a BAD BACHELOR, so she doesn't give him the rose and he has to leave in the middle of the date and go home. The romantic end-of-evening fireworks still go off, though, so that's a nice touch that I'm sure Joe really enjoyed as he was driving away alone. One more elimination to come at the end of the night, but first we have to make a quick segue to the house to watch the men not get along with each other.


The gentlemen are all poolside, and that old rabble-rouser Kalon is getting the two dads riled up by saying that they're “taking time off from being fathers” just by being at the competition. Doug, a single father, takes issue with that and turns super primal by the pool, telling Kalon to shut it and continuing to earn his spot in my top six BroSquad.

Not a whole super lot crazy happened in this episode, sadly, except that I noticed Travis wasn't carrying around his ostrich egg anymore and the feud between Stevie and Kalon is getting worse. Which is probably why Stevie made it through tonight. Oh and also even though Ryan already had a rose, he made Tony stand and listen as Emily read out loud a SEVEN PAGE letter that he wrote to her, while Tony was clearly waiting to talk to her. Apparently it was like a fifteen-minute interaction, according to the other guys. So. Awkward. And what are you doing writing seven-page letters anyway, you weirdo? What's wrong with you? Let my boy Tony in there.

Just as an update, my top six are: Doug (Talks), Arie (Talks), Charlie (Talks), Jef (Looks/Talks/Sparks), Sean (purely Looks — the guy still hasn't had an actual conversation with her), and Tony (Talks). All of whom are still in the Pageant because I'm winning at life and also because — spoiler alert Aaron was the other guy eliminated tonight. Don't remember who he is? Neither did Emily.

See you next week for Arie kisses. For reals! I spotted them in the preview! And I also saw a one-on-one date with that elusive creature, Sean. I'm glad those two crazy kids finally get to meet.

(Images: glamour.com, thehollywoodgossip.com, realitytvmagazine.com)