13 Times I Didn’t Understand The Bachelor Because I Grew Up With A Gay Parent

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The Bachelor (season 18, episode 4) screen shot K-Pop dancing in South Korea January 2014Another week, another episode of The Bachelor consumed like illicit ice cream in the middle of the night with the freezer door open to hide your shame. That's how I feel about watching this show, with the openly homophobic Juan Pablo Galavis at the helm of a ship of women leap-frogging each other for the opportunity to tell him they're falling in love with him after two hours.

…and yet I find myself watching it, week after week. I just can't tear my eyes away from this unauthorized anthropological study. Presumably because I don't understand it, on account of the comprehension issues leftover from being exposed to homosexuality as a child. (When members of the same sex do so much as kiss or hold hands, it affects all those around them with a disability of sorts, and it never goes away.)

It's a devastating epidemic, and one that I'm struggling to overcome, but until I do — here are the thirteen times I didn't understand last night's episode of The Bachelor. I'm convinced these moments had nothing to do with the contestants being idiotic, and everything to do with my tiny pea brain, crippled by any expression of love between two consenting adults.

  1. They're going to South Korea, so this episode has been christened ‘The Bachelor: Juan-nam style'. I'd do a facepalm, but it must be me who's out of date, and not that reference.
  2. “Korea? I don't even have a kimono!” shrills Clare. Which is weird, because I was pretty sure they wore kimono in Japan, and that Asian countries were all different.
  3. “I don't thrive in a group setting,” said Nikki, a young woman who signed herself up for The Bachelor.
  4. When one of the girls speculated that their group date might be a bubble-blowing contest because of the word ‘pop' in the invitation.
  5. When Kat bragged, “I'm a dancer. Been doing it since before I could walk.” Can't believe I didn't realize that was scientifically possible.
  6. Someone in a group of girls walking up to a restaurant with Korean characters on it going, “This is so cool! Look at that writing!”
  7. When Sharleen said, “Like, i feel like we're on vacation together and we're just walking through a market,” and that was treated like intelligent dialogue even though THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE DOING.
  8. When the only compliment Sharleen could come up with for JP was, “You are not bland.” And this means she likes him?
  9. When my boyfriend looked over at me during the fish pedicure part and said, “Alexis look at me. Don't you fucking dare. Ever in our lives together.” Who doesn't want to get their feet eaten up by a fish?!?!?!
  10. When Clare refused to eat octopus and Kelly said, “Her piece was literally this big…and I know you've swallowed bigger things than that.” But she has labeled herself as a beacon of positivity, so I'm confused!!!
  11. When Renee said about her son, “The hardest thing about this is being away from Ben. But it's getting easier.” It gets easier?
  12. When Juan Pablo said he wasn't gonna kiss anymore girls tonight, turned down Lauren hard for a kiss (his explanation was “sorry, I have a daughter.”), to the point that she was crying…and then kissed Clare because…”I like those lips.”
  13. …right after she said, “I threw up in my mouth! But I swallowed it back down.”

You guys I have been so crippled by my exposure to a non-traditional household! Will I ever recover?

And just to keep you up-to-date on the parts of the show that I actually did understand, here's how things played out. The following people came into the Rose Ceremony safe, with roses already: Nikki, Sharleen, and Andi. And then once they were handed out, they went to Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Allison, Clare, and Kat…meaning that Elise and Lauren were eliminated.

To quote Elise: “I'm bummed. Super disappointed. Sucks.” Oh and one more thing — when are we gonna acknowledge that all Clare wants is to be the next Bachelorette? And that she's gonna get it, too…

(Photo: ABC)