12 Times I Didn’t Understand The Bachelor Because I Grew Up With A Gay Parent

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Women on group date on The Bachelor season 18, episode 3 January 2014I had a really hard time watching The Bachelor last night, guys. I've always thought that I understood it before, but after Juan Pablo Galavis‘ really enlightening comments about the perversion of homosexuality, I realized that there's so much in this life that confuses me on account of growing up with a gay parent!

I thought that I was a semi-intelligent person, but after hearing what JP had to say, I realized that I've been lying to myself all this time

“I respect [gay people] but, honestly, I don't think it's a good example for kids. Obviously people have their husband and wife and kids and that is how we are brought up. Now there is fathers having kids and all that, and it is hard for me to understand that too in the sense of a household having peoples. Two parents sleeping in the same bed and the kid going into bed…it is confusing in a sense.”

It's true! My mom had female partners, and it's affected me far more than I ever knew. I just now looked at the diploma I thought I had hanging on my wall, and realized it's just a bar napkin with sloppy kisses on it! And I showed up at my job this morning, and turns out I'm a troll living under a bridge, critiquing the billy goats that go clicking over my head. I'VE BEEN CRIPPLED FOR LIFE!

“There's this thing about gay people, it seems to me, and I don't know if I'm mistaken or not…but they're more ‘pervert' in a sense.”

You guys he's not mistaken — it's true. Gay people are such pervert. They are so much bigtime pervert that having one as a parent exploded my brain and made me a criminal deviant. And even worse, it made me unable to understand the simplest, best, most non-pervert show out there, The Bachelor. Here were just a few of the moments that were too much for my tiny pea brain to comprehend:

  1. When Juan Pablo and Cassandra were able to drive a car around in the water. What is this, the future?
  2. Why ten people all went on a date with the same guy. On television. For fame and fortune, but we're calling it true love. This must not make sense to me because once I saw two ladies sleep in the same bed, and now I shall never recover.
  3. When Juan kissed Andi and Sharleen on the same date, but gave the rose to Nikki. I thought kissing = love.
  4. When Chelsie got the one-on-one date even though Elise promised that she wouldn't and had a reference letter from her deceased mother. Maybe there is no god??? Please advise, JP. (Or also JC, if you're listening.)
  5. Why Sharleen isn't good at kissing, even though her face is beautiful.
  6. When Juan and Chelsie ate all that cheese before going to jump off the bridge? Does he have a vomit fetish? I don't get it.
  7. Why Chelsie kept refusing to jump off a bridge with a literal stranger even though Juan kept sternly saying ‘LOOK AT ME' and “Just do it for me” and obvi wanted her to do it. Doesn't she love him yet???
  8. How Juan could say, “I think my biggest fear is not being an example for my daughter,” and then so cheerfully share his belief that gay people are gross.
  9. Why Kelly isn't okay with letting a man see her ‘without her face on', but is comfortable calling Kat a whore on camera.
  10. Also what it entails to be a ‘dog lover' as your career.
  11. How Clare got all the way onto the show without expecting to have to share Juan Pablo.
  12. Why full-grown adult women are still going into the bathroom together to cry. Please explain.

So there was a lot that fell through the cracks in my mind, clearly, but I was able to catch the fact that Cassandra, Nikki, Chelsie, Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Allison, Clare, Lauren, and Danielle are all coming back next week, while Lucy and Christy were eliminated.

Here's hoping I have two straight parents by next week, so I can understand what the eff is going on!

(Photo: ABC)