Even Though We’re Only At Fantasy Suites, The Bachelor Has Already Made His Decision

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Catherine GiudiciIt's not even the finale of The Bachelor yet, but we might as well all pack up and go home, because it's become so obvious that Sean Lowe already knows which lady he's picking. After eliminating Desiree Hartsock last week in hometown visits, we're down to the final three — Lindsay Yenter, AshLee Frazier, and Catherine Giudice — but if you watch The Bachelor like it's an experiment in human behavior, like I do, I think you'll find that Sean Lowe is signaling like a motherfucker that he wants to end up with Catherine. FO LYFE.

The show is in Thailand right now, so all the dates follow the basic format of — hang out, sit down somewhere and touch each others' faces, swim, romantic dinner, Fantasy Suite. Awww yeah that's right, it's Fantasy Suite week. Time to put some things in some places and get to know these ladies in the biblical sense. Except…if you believe Sean, he's not getting down like that. With any of the women. He asks them to stay in the Fantasy Suite, but only to get away from the cameras so they lie chastely next to each other and talk breathlessly about the future while holding hands. There will be no sexytimes. Allegedly.

Lindsay gets the first date, which involves a lot of wandering around a Thai market and baby voices. Sean wants to test her, because that's his favorite thing to do with women he isn't interested in, so he makes her eat bugs, the one thing she said she didn't want to try. They talk a lot about best friends and being best friends and how they each want to marry their best friend, and isn't it great that they feel like best friends? All these two ever talk about are things that happened earlier in the day, like their favorite parts of dates that they're STILL ON, and how much they like each other and can see themselves getting married. Then they kiss for a minute and we cut to a wistful interview with Lindsay regretting that she hasn't yet told Sean ‘I love you'. Cut back to kissing, talk more about what happened two hours ago. Rinse, repeat. Late in the episode, just when the best friend bullshit is getting to be more than I can bear, she tells him she loves him and is rewarded with a fatherly, best friend kiss.

The second date is with AshLee, who we need to be careful with, because she is in this HARD. She seems to be in actual love with Sean, instead of just TV love, and according to my scientific hypothesis, has transferred her feelings of abandonment onto him. Which I learned because she brings up her childhood and eventual adoption in every interaction and has become more and more feverish in her need for validation from Sean, getting to the point in this episode that she was telling him her ring size and her diamond preferences. He keeps saying that his relationship with her is the strongest one he has, and that she has all the qualities he'd want in a wife, but he also mentions that he has to ‘test her' by taking her ‘out of her comfort zone', so there's your giveaway right there. He takes her on a weird swim-spelunking adventure in pitch-black underwater caves, which she does not enjoy, dawgg. They have more things to talk about than Sean and Lindsay, but only because AshLee is doing the conversational work of three humans.

And then we go on the Catherine date. Oh the chatter! Oh the casual kisses and the question-asking and joking and the complete lack of testing her at all! He asks her if she'd move to Dallas and really seems to want to know the answer, reminding her to think about how things might be different in the future, outside the insulated world of the show. And what I like about this relationship is that she's also great. She admits in her interviews that it's hard for her to talk about being in love or falling in love, so she hasn't put it out there yet. They're relaxed and excited to be around each other and touching constantly and laughing and talking about things other than their relationship in the future. They're really in the moment, talking about the now. He's totes picking her, don't try to tell me otherwise.

Before the Rose Ceremony, we see a video from each of the women, their last chance to plead their case before someone gets sent home. The content is pretty standard — Lindsay says ‘best friend' more times than she blinks, AshLee cries through the whole thing and says she can't imagine being apart from Sean for one day, and Catherine talks about how surprised she was to come on the show and actually develop feelings for Sean. He says he's made up his mind and calls out first Lindsay, then…AFTER A FULL THIRTY SECONDS OF MUSIC…calls out Catherine. I see you, producers, trying to make me think there was a chance he'd eliminate Catherine. Yeah right.

But to AshLee's credit, she was a total boss about it. I thought she was gonna break down in tears and tunnel under the deck like a raccoon and refuse to come out, but she was an ice queen. It was actually kind of scary, in an awesome way. He didn't call her name and she just walked out. She didn't say goodbye to the other girls or hug Sean, and when he tried to walk with her and explain himself, all she did was turn around and listen as he feebly explained that he ‘thought it was her from the beginning'…but then it wasn't and stuff, and I'm so sorry, and don't be mad. She acknowledged what he said with a curt ‘okay' and got into the car and drove away, and only then did she cry. She said, “This wasn't a silly game to me”, and essentially sealed her fate as the next Bachelorette, so dry your tears, babylove, cause you're coming back next year, I'd bet my cynicism on it.

Then Sean has to hang his head while sitting on a fountain for a while and plot new ways to pretend that he didn't choose Catherine weeks ago. Ah, reality television. Gotta love it.

(Image: DigitalSpy via NBC)