The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: The Jewel of Denial

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CHUCK KEPT THE DOG!! Sorry, I probably shouldn’t lead with the emotional climax of this week’s episode, but it’s possible this moment changes Gossip Girl forever. More on that later.

The pot keeps bubbling in episode five. Dan decides to take credit for the embarrassing novel he’s been trying to kill, Blair reveals Louis to be her child’s father, Charlie finds a way to stay in the city, and Elizabeth Hurley may be the greatest threat to Gossip Girl since net neutrality. Now for the details:

• How did Blair get those paternity results anyway? Don’t you need blood samples for that kind of thing? I didn’t see Chuck or Louis filling vials down at the clinic. I think the writers missed a huge opportunity here. Blair’s just the kind of girl who could engineer a scheme to get the necessary blood samples on the DL, which could have been the foundation for the greatest episode in this show’s history. Come on guys, I’m here to help. All you have to do is ask.

• What is going on with Nate? I know he’s anxious to prove himself apart from his family, but Elizabeth Hurley is obviously crazy. And his feeling suddenly indignant about being used for sex rings hollow after he watched her fire a room full of reporters just so they could screw. Bro to bro, Nate: this girl is trouble.

• I love that Dorota’s text messages are written in broken English, but it’s odd that she has Dan’s cell number, right?

• Once again, Dan’s writing is referred to as “brilliant,” which guarantees we’ll never actually hear what he’s written. There’s no way the writers can fashion something actually brilliant for a character they’ve sold as being brilliant. So we’ll just have to take their word on that one. I remain skeptical.

• Charlie keeps jerking Max around and he keeps taking it!! She has to be stopped. Maybe she could fall from the Empire State Building, or get hit by a taxi crossing the street, or eaten by sewer rats. Easy Josh…Breathe… You’re projecting…

• I won’t lie. I don’t know much about fashion, especially women’s fashion, so I had to Google Jenny Packham. You may be interested to know (possibly uninterested to know) that she’s a British fashion designer known primarily for her bridal gowns and ready to wear collection. She’s also the brother of naturalist Chris Packham, who’s work I’m sure you’re all familiar with, so I won’t bother explaining.

• Charlie delivered the best line of the episode and it was a complete throwaway. As she was blackmailing her mother she described New York by saying, “everything here sparkles,” which could replace “ILOVENY” as the official state tourism slogan. It could also be the new tagline for Dawn dish soap.

• I’m learning a lot about makeup watching this show. That’s probably an indication I’m not their target demographic.

• Is the motorcycle in Chuck’s hotel room purely decorative?

• It’s seems clear that Blair lied, and Chuck fathered her baby. Why else would the camera linger as she put the paternity results in her dresser drawer? Blair can’t hide this forever. Once that baby starts talking and has trouble suppressing its English accent, the cat will be out of the bag.

• The revelation that Blair is pregnant with Louis’ child finally drives Chuck to feel again, and I didn’t enjoy watching him weep in bed, cradling his new dog. It’s appropriate he had the dog neutered in this episode though, because that’s exactly what Chuck has become. I want the old Chuck back. Preferably next week.

In all seriousness, I’m interested in how they’ll resolve Blair’s pregnancy. This genre’s infant mortality rate is abysmal. Most pregnancies end in miscarriage, a few end in abortion. It’s the way this world works, because it’s hard to be frivolous when helpless babies are around. Once in a great while pregnancies can be transformative, especially when you’re trying to usher your characters into adulthood. I wonder if that’s the case here? Now that Blair’s seen Chuck’s softer side as he cares for his new dog, will she reveal the truth? Will this baby finally bring Blair and Chuck together and reveal how unimportant and crass their concerns really are? I sure hope not.