Entertainment

The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: Beauty and the Feast

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Can anyone tell me how much longer Foster the People’s moment in the sun will last? If I hear that Pumped Up Kicks song one more times, those boys will have to outrun, outrun, outrun MY gun. Anyway…

Nate and Chuck have returned to New York and it looks like Nate forgot his penis in LA. Not really, but he is hung up on the mysterious woman he met there who used to be married to Hugh Grant. Chuck’s paying tough guys to beat him up in alleys and may be abusing prescription drugs. Serena’s still in LA and is reconnecting with Charlie who may be hiding something. Dan needs Chuck’s help to discover his novel’s publisher. Louis’ sister arrives and starts causing trouble, and Blair has bulimia. No, wait, she actually has morning sickness, but apparently those two things are basically the same. Here’s what stuck out in episode 2:

• There’s no way a site like Gossip Girl could exist in the real world. Here’s what would happen if it did: A blast is sent out containing a vicious rumor that ruins the social standing of a promising young girl. Her infuriated mother immediately sues the school, the Internet service provider, the computer manufacturer, and the NYPD to compensate her daughter for the emotional trauma and lost earning potential she’s suffered.

The local NBC affiliate picks up the story and produces a shocking expose on the mysterious cyber bully terrorizing the children of the Upper East Side. Sensing a compelling narrative, NBC news interviews the mother and daughter on Dateline and dispatches Chris Hanson to expose Gossip Girl. After three hours (because, really, that’s how long it would take) Hanson finds an address and shows up at Kristen Bell’s doorstep with a camera and a list of condescending questions.

Kristen Bell is charged with a hate crime and after a highly publicized trial, is executed in public by an enraged Nancy Grace. I’m exaggerating about the public execution of course, but I bet Nancy would do it if asked.

• WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH CHUCK IN THAT ALLEY? I know Dan gave us the “official” story, but here’s a tip: when three guys are alone in a seedy New York alley and one of them is stripped to his undershirt, that’s not fighting, it’s foreplay.

• Here’s what I hate about TV: When Serena pushes Charlie to move in with her, all Charlie has to say is, “Thanks, Serena, but I love my place. We’ll still see each other all the time,” and the issue is over. But Charlie doesn’t do that. Instead, she goes to tremendous lengths trying to hide the fact that she’s poor. The characters don’t act like real people simply to serve the plot. But I guess if TV characters behaved like real people, it would make for a boring soap opera.

• I don’t know what French cell phone technology is like, but I think someone needs to teach Louis’ sister how to use one. When she called her brother, she picked up the phone, didn’t dial, didn’t wait for the phone to ring, and didn’t wait for voicemail. She just left a crisp message and hung up without saying goodbye. Maybe I don’t understand European culture.

• What’s up with Dan’s hair? It looks like it’s falling off his head.

• I counted four times in this episode where characters appeared, unannounced from nowhere, just in time to witness key plot turns. Elizabeth Hurley shows up in New York and just happens to run into Nate. Dan shows up at the feast just in time to find out Blair’s secret. Louis’ sister opens the bathroom door just in time to discover Blair’s pregnant, and Louis jumps in on a conversation requiring his sister to cover for Blair. I wished this happened in my life. I’d probably be surprised less often.

• So it turns out Chuck is dead inside, and Dan diagnoses him with a quick Google search. Whatever Chuck has is like PTSD, because in teen drama land, breaking up with a girl is a just like coming home from war. Side note: I don’t like broken Chuck. I want to see the return of the Chuck who’d cut someone’s throat for fun. I suspect they’re setting that up, and I hope and I pray he comes back with a vengeance.

Rachel Bilson = brunette slice of heaven.

• I know Charlie’s boyfriend Max is probably a throwaway character who exists only to demonstrate how terrible she is, but man, I felt bad for him. I’ve been that guy who follows a pretty girl around and then gets burned. I’ve been that guy recently. I was that guy last week. And ladies, telling a guy you “never meant to hurt him” after you’ve just intentionally hurt him IS OF LITTLE CONSOLATION!

• The episode ended with the revelation that Louis’ sister is screwing the priest and they may be plotting to overthrow Monaco’s throne. I’m excited to see Gossip Girl engage in a little geopolitical intrigue.

I’m exhausted. I loved this episode, and it looks like things are going to get really hairy before this season ends. Next Monday can’t come soon enough.

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