The 30-Year-Old Man’s Guide To Gossip Girl: Yes, Then Zero

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Joshua Friesen is a man in his 30s who's obsessed with pop culture. This is how his brain processes Gossip Girl.

? Are you kidding me, Gossip Girl? Not six months ago, he was in a tux at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel hoping to collect an Oscar for directing “The Fighter.” Now he has a cameo on a CW soap opera? The only possible explanation here is blackmail. Remember, George Clooney once punched this guy in the jaw. O. Russell’s all over You Tube screaming at poor Lily Tomlin. By all accounts he’s a miserable human being. The producers must have something so terrible on him, something so heinous that he’s at their beck and call. Or he’s stopped taking himself so seriously and he’s just having a good time. It could go either way.

Anyway, here’s where we stand at the opening of season five: Dan discovers his novel is about to be published against his will, and if that happens, Blair’s engagement to the Prince of Monaco could be threatened. Serena’s a fast-rising PA working in Hollywood. Nate’s hooking up with an older woman who may have sinister intentions, and who may have once been Elizabeth Hurley. Chuck is busy pretending not to be shattered by the impending nuptials, and Blair may be pregnant by someone other than the prince. We’re off to a fast start.

A quick side note here: How long do we really expect Blake Lively to hang around? She’s a style icon with a budding film career. She doesn’t need this show. And when was the last time there was such a disparity in the career mobility of one cast member versus the others? Penn Badgley peaked when he dated Lively, Taylor Momsen’s best-case scenario is a long rehab stint in her 30’s, and Ed Westwick’s British. Lively has star potential and she must know it. Once she’s gone, who’s going to watch a show about Chuck, Dan, Nate, and Blair? Nobody, that’s who. Now a few observations about episode one:

• It was a nice touch to feature F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Beautiful and the Damned in this episode. After all, Fitzgerald was famous for chronicling the lives of the idle rich, and Gossip Girl is a show about the idle rich. Congratulations writers, you’ve convinced me you attended college. And did anyone else notice that the book Dan is desperately trying to keep under wraps happens to be a chronicle of the idle rich? Could they actually be implying that Dan Humphrey is the next F. Scott Fitzgerald?

• Blair is marrying the Prince of Monaco, which would make her the next Princess of Monaco, a title once held by Grace Kelly who was one of the most beautiful and elegant women in history. That’s a stretch even by this show’s standards.

• Are they trying to turn Chuck Bass into some kind of superhero? He jumps off buildings, races motorcycles up Laurel Canyon, and charms any women he wants. How long until this guy starts solving crimes? Actually, that might be a great spin-off once Blake leaves the show.

• And how about Chuck revealing his injury from the motorcycle crash, the one he’s been hiding from all his friends? That metaphor’s thinner than Chase Crawford’s resume.

• One more thing about Chuck: What’s with all the cravats? I know fashion is a big thing with this show, but if I wore a cravat in public, I’d get punched in the throat.

• Was that Jenny Lewis I saw at the Hollywood party? Between Lewis and O. Russell, this show’s in danger of turning into Entourage. Will Jeremy Piven’s hairpiece be next to cameo?

• If I see JLo and her stupid Fiat commercial one more time, I’m going to buy a Chevy Suburban.

Well that was episode one. God only knows what’s in store this season. Apparently the ratings have been dwindling, so that usually translates into outrageous storylines and stunt casting. I’m pretty excited. No matter what happens, I’ll be here to walk you through it. See you next week.