Taylor Swift Turns 23 Today, But It’s Unlikely Abigail Got The Invite To Her Party

By  | 

But you're in love and you pretend not to notice that she's being a heinous bitch. Until the worst happens. In an attempt to upstage your love affair, Abigail “gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind.” At first she's all like “I had sex and you didn't” and you think it's such a typical thing for her to do.

But then you both cry because her life's over and no one will ever want her now and she's destined to die a spinster. A catless spinster since it's highly unlikely that even an animal shelter will let a loose woman adopt a cat.

And as much as you liked her that first day in class, you just can't stand to be around her now. Sometimes you just look at her and get the chills thinking about how much gonorrhea she must have floating around her body.  So by the time freshman year ends, you aren't talking and by the time high school wraps up, you don't even know if she still attends the school.

Then, years later you're you're throwing a tea party in honor of your 23rd birthday and your security guard approaches you. “Not now Raymond,” you say as spot your boyfriend Harry Styles dry humping your make-up artist in the corner, “we're just about to go around the table and say which Care Bear we most identify with now that we're approaching marrying age.”

But Raymond points to the door. “What Raymond!” you say, growing impatient with his wordless dramatics. As you prepare to fire him for interrupting your special day (and not keeping Harry under control), you spot a red curl peering around the door. “Abigail,” you whisper in disbelief, “Abigail, is that you?”

She steps in, wearing nothing but tattered rags and sin. “Hi Taylor,” she says as if it no time has passed, “I just thought that maybe, I would, I don't know, stop by, and say, well say, happy birthday.”

You eye her cautiously, completely aware that all your real friends are now starring at this girl, this creature standing at the door, acting as if she hadn't given everything to a boy who changed his mind. Sure you could invite her in, offer her cake, ask her how's she doing. But that's kinda like rewarding her for having sex when she was only 15. And that wouldn't be right. You stare at Raymond and give him the sign. He shuts the door in Abigail's face.

You return to your party, tell everyone that you've never seen her before in your life and then turn to Emma Stone and squeal “oh do try the Petit Fours, they're so wonderful. Especially the glitter filling!”

Abigail waits for a moment outside the door, thinking that maybe you didn't recognize her. Then she catches a glimpse of herself in a puddle of sewage and notices that her shame's on full display. Oh if only she hadn't had sex. Everything would be so different, so very, very different. She stumbles away, leaving nothing but a lone strand of red hair floating in the puddle.

(Photo: Hall/Pena, PacificCoastNews.com)

Pages: 2