Someone Should Teach In Touch How A Divorce Works Because It’s Unlikely Suri Cruise Will Forget Katie Holmes Exists

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Everyone remain calm as you pass the newsstands this week. Spending time with Tom Cruise will not make Suri Cruise forget Katie Holmes. Unless something goes really wrong. Like she gets movie-style amnesia in an attempt to avoid starting school next month. Or Tom Cruises replaces her brain with Scientology technology that we don't know exists.

Even though I know In Touch usually pushes it with their incredibly salacious headlines, this week's “Forgetting Mommy Already?” really takes the cake. And this cake's not gluten-free or low-carb or vegan-friendly. Do with that information what you will.

As people who have grown up in modern society, we understand that children of divorce spend some time with their father and some time with their mother. (And obviously, Hallie Parker and Annie James are exempt from this rule.)

Spending time with one parent, no matter how awesome and over-the-top that time is, will not make children forget their other parent. Our in-house child pyschologist completely agrees with me. But I guess that's why we pay her big bucks to sit here all day — next to our in-house OB-GYN and our in-house body language expert — and agree with me.

So while I'm all for starting celebrity rumors and creating scandals out of candid photos, I'm not cool with blatant lies. Like Katie Holmes spending time devising a plan to win Suri Cruise back. That plan's already been devised in a custody agreement that I'm sure was drafted by 50+ lawyers.

Rest assured concerned Suri surrogate parents across America, she's going to know both her parents.