In Which Suki Waterhouse Convinces Me She And Bradley Cooper Are In A Fakelationship

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Bradley Cooper and Suki Waterhouse posing in a Paris park August 2013A round of golf claps for Suki Waterhouse, who in a single interview has utterly talked me into the fact that she and Bradley Cooper are in a fakelationship. Not that I needed much convincing after that extremely odd and awkward park photo shoot in which they'd plainly never had physical contact before, but still.

She spoke to ELLE UK recently, and given the fact that she's only vaguely famous in her own right, they understandably wanted to talk about her extremely high-profile (and only vaguely credible) relationship pretty much right away. But Suki was having none of that:

“I don't talk about my boyfriend because it's boring. At least, that's what I decided to tell you when you asked.'

I'm sorry, what? I mean…what? What are you talking about? Other than the fact that you contradicted yourself in the space of one sentence, what are you even talking about? Dating Bradley Cooper is boring? Why would that possibly be true unless you guys never see each other or bump uglies, as I privately suspect? Can you at least confirm that you met at the Style Awards in February and that he gave you his number before engaging in a rigorous round of Backseat Babies escape the event?

“That didn't happen there. But we did meet at the Style Awards, I'll give you that. Look, maybe it's best for me to say, ‘I'm not one of those girls who goes on about their boyfriends.' I do think whatever I say will sound weird. But the truth is, if I start talking about him, I probably won't be able to stop. And I don't really want to talk about him, you know?”

Again…WHAT? What are you gonna talk about if not him? And if you don't want to talk about him, then stop. Just stop it right there and don't do it again. Definitely don't talk about being ready to have kids at age twenty-one when your boyfriend who you don't want to talk about is thirty-eight, okay?!?

“I really like the idea of having kids in not too long. Not, like, now. And not next year. But in not too long. I talk to Jourdan about it quite a lot. She made the decision and had her parents and agency supporting her.”she explained of the fellow British model, who welcomed son Riley at the age of 19 in 2009. “I think it's the coolest thing.”

Just to be clear, she's talking about Jourdan Dunn, a fellow model who had her son, Riley, at age nineteen in 2009. Just in case you didn't think this interview was confusing enough.

So to recap — she doesn't want to talk about Bradley because he's boring, but also because once she got started, she'd never stop, but she's also not one of those girls who goes on and on about the guy she's dating, and she doesn't want to talk about him but he's the only thing she talked about for this whole interview, and she already planned to lie about her relationship before you even asked her, so why do you care, anyway?


(Photo: Pacific Coast News)