Sofia Vergara Is So Hot That Even Notes Written On Her Naked Body Sell For $220,000

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Life is really unfair, you guys. When I write myself a reminder on my hand to buy toilet paper on the way home (and then forget), nobody stops me on the street and asks if they can take a revealing but tasteful photograph of it. But when Sofia Vergara gets a Spanish poem painted on her naked body and then allows it to be photographed, people are all over it. I don't get it. Sure, she's the star of the wildly-popular Modern Family, but I have been in dozens of children's theater productions. My likeness is all over my grandparents' house in Maryland. I am well-known. And yet nobody's knocking down my door to delicately scrawl words on my body in paint. I know because I keep checking outside.

Sofia and the artist Domingo Zapata met through friends, and he was really eager to work with her, so he painted the words to the Spanish poem ‘Life Is A Dream' on her nearly naked body, and then took Polaroids of the effect. But listen, I'm not choosy! It doesn't even have to be a poem, for me, it could just be things you need to remember. Like phone numbers or pieces of advice. You can paint, “No eating after 9:00pm” on my shinbones if you want. God knows I could benefit from that advice. But why does nobody want that?

I think I might know. I think it might have something to do with the fact that she's tan and gorgeous and curvy with shiny hair and she's perfect. I'm sorry, did I say ‘perfect'? Because I meant perfect. And when you paint on her almost nakey body and take Polaroids of it, they sell for $220,000. Because life. Isn't. Fair.

And I still haven't bought goddamn toilet paper.

(Image: People via Domingo Zapata)

Modern Family