Snooki & JWOWW: Breast Milk Alcohol Tests Exist in This World!
Jionni doesn't know about the Lumineers (teeth, not band – though I doubt he knows about the band either) and makes fun of Snooki's new lisp (flashback of my first week with braces). Pretty uneventful segment…but what do you expect with zero alcohol imbibing? Time for Baby Shower Gift Registering! Snooki quickly learns, like the rest of us, that this is not all it's cut out to be. In fact, it's boring and I've seen many couples fight over a Wedding Registry process. But, it's revealed that there's some cray crap you have to buy when bringing a child into this world. Nipple shields? WTF is that? Best part – there are alcohol testing strips…for breast milk. That's right. You can take responsible parenting to a whole ‘nother level with this little guy. I'm a fan. Snooki is a fan. She'll have her bottle of Greeg (that's Pinot Grigio to the layman) chillin' on the side while she's pushing baby Lorenzo out. And you can always pump and dump.
Other revelations in this episode – Lorenzo was an oops baby (shocker), everyone wants Roger to propose to Jenni (reminds me of every single phone conversation with my Gma for the past year), a travel breast pump is the second coolest new Mom gift ever (thanks JWOWW! and see above), Roger gets weekly pedicures with Jenni (not hating), Jenni's drunk and horribly-accented friend Yanice is a jealous hot mess when she drinks before UFC fights, Jenni smokes an electronic cigarette, there is no talking or messing around during a Frankie Edgar UFC fight (same with a Redskins game, at my house), Nicole looks better without makeup, and dips are the best party food of all time. It's true. Also – I'm not the only one who gets exceptionally violent toward the cable company employee who happens to have the pleasure of answering my phone call. They are the worst.
We end with the classy country club Baby Shower for Snooki and her gals, and Jionni gets the day off to play some golf. Two birds, ya'll. All of our favorites show up – Deena Cortese, Samantha Giancola, Caitlin Ryder (whoa, her real name is Caitlin??), and everyone's Mom. Literally. Snooki admits that this soiree may be too classy for the likes of her. I like how she's not neglecting her deep down Jersey roots; there's an extreme lack of animal print up in there. I also like how she encourages everyone to have a good time (read: drink alcohol) even though she can't. That's a good, good friend. Basically, 'cause if you've ever BEEN to a Baby Shower, you know that alcohol may be necessary to make it to the end. Or the beginning. Even Snooks is daunted by the sheer amount of gifts she has to open, smile, thank everyone, repeat.
The gang dips out to break the boredom with some golf cart joy riding (jealous) under the ruse of finding Jionni. It's really to find Gay Joey a date. Unsuccessful in their ventures but having gotten some good camera time and baby shower time-wasting in, they return to find an exhausted Snooki, ready to just get some Jionni time back in her day. What's this? A phone call to Jionni reveals…he's…in the hospital. Duh duh duuuuuuuuuh! What could it be? Will Snooki be mad or concerned? How will they get all those baby gifts home?!