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9 Things You Need To Know For This Season Of Sister Wives

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Sister Wives season five cast 2013The TLC show Sister Wives about a Mormon polygamist, Kory Brown, and his four wives — Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn — returned last night, in all of its reality TV glory. It can get kind of tiring just watching people sneak around behind their partners' backs on all the Real Housewives franchises, so it's such a relief to see this guy doing it out in the open! Because Kody is dedicated to the big lord Jesus in the sky, every so often he is instructed by that lord to pluck another lady from his Mormon hordes, marry her, and waste no time in making her great with child. Also it's very important that she be younger, skinnier, and prettier than his previous wives. Jesus and all the other Latter-Day Saints were very specific about that.

So we're on the fifth season now, but as long as we're being honest with each other, I should admit that I'm a little new here, myself. I've seen enough episodes to remember these ladies' names and get their basic deal, but I still do feel a little like a fish out of water. (Or whatever the Mormon version is of that saying — a Joseph Smith out of top hat? I think that's accurate.) So anyway, I decided to catch you up a little, so we can all be on the same page going in. Here are the # Things You Need To Know For This Season Of Sister Wives.

  1. Altogether, this family consists of seventeen children. Which sounds impressive at first, until you realize that the Duggars have nineteen all on their own, with only one mama bear. This is amateur hour, Browns, get your heads in the game.
  2. Ever since the family moved from Utah to Vegas two years ago, they've all been living separately, which is TOTES inconvenient for poor Kody, because he has to drive from house to house performing his filial duties.
  3. HOWEVER. Last night they finally did the framing walkthrough for their four adjoining houses, so domestic bliss is within sight once more. The proposed move-in date is Christmas, and blessed be the angel Moroni.
  4. Most of the drama from last night came from disagreements over how to support the family. Janelle wants to focus on her real estate career, and Robyn wants to focus on the family business, but is mad because she doesn't feel supported.
  5. The family is also getting significant backlash from the community because of being lumped in with Fundamentalist Mormons, a group they apparently think they don't belong to. The FLDS church is pretty much constantly being investigated on charges from bigamy to child abuse to fraud, and they're eager to distance themselves from that community, although they identify as members of Apostolic United Brethren (AUB), an FLDS sect.
  6. The youngest child, Solomon, turned one last episode, while the oldest child, Logan, went to college last season.
  7. While Janelle and Christine both have six children and Robyn has four (three from a previous marriage and one with Kody), Meri has only had one, although she's been pregnant twice. She'd like to have more children, mostly because there's intense pressure from the rest of the household, but she worries she couldn't carry it to term, because she's forty-two years old.
  8. After a weekend of bonding at the trade show, Robyn offers to be a surrogate mother for Meri, carrying her child so she doesn't have to resort to something like IVF. She hasn't necessarily taken her up on the offer, but she appreciates it and she's keeping her options open.
  9. As much as you want to hate this show, it's surprisingly addicting. Sigh. I'll see you next week.

(Image: Examiner)

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