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The Duggar-Like Dad On Sister Wives Has Four Wives But Won’t Let His Daughter Hold Hands

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Kody Brown and his four wives from Sister Wives Meri, Robyn, Janelle, and ChristineSister Wives returned last night for its fifth season, and I never thought I'd say this, but I think I've found a reality TV family that's almost as offensive as the Duggars. One collects kids and the other collects wives, but they both have enough religious self-righteousness, backward morals, and hypocrisy to go around.

The head of this family is Kody Brown, and he has four wives and seventeen children, two off from Michelle Duggar‘s nineteen. And one of them, Mykelti, a seventeen-year old daughter by his third wife, Christine, has a new boyfriend, John, with whom Kody wanted to sit down to make sure nothing inappropriate was happening. You know, like hand holding and stuff.

That's right! The man who is married to four separate women doesn't think that kissing or even hand-holding is appropriate between a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Shades of Duggar courtship, right?? Kody thinks it's dangerous, and he has a bunch of really dubious science to back that up:

“When you kiss, the person that you kiss, their hormones go into your mouth and it registers certain things that will stimulate both the heart and the body for other reasons.”

Yup! The next time you kiss someone, just be aware that you're essentially tongue-blasting each others' mouths with hormones, and try to keep your lunch down. Also good luck keeping it down as you listen to Christine's attempt at a carefree, tinkling little laugh when Kody suggests he should clean his gun while talking to John about the appropriate way to behave in a relationship.

“What we want to prevent as parents are the danger zones. Kissing, holding hands that all leads to broken hearts. If you get too close and you get too physical the nature of it you’re going to break up I want to say ‘Hey listen have a friendship.'”

So if I'm reading this correctly, he's not even worried about them having sex — he's worried about them breaking up. I guess that explains why he has four wives of his own: he's so cripplingly terrified of breakups that he's never actually followed through with one.

This poor kid though, you guys. Both Mykelti and John are looking at Kody like he's crazy, which he is, but he's the parent in this situation! Which is terrifying, considering the amount of hypocritical statements that are flying out of his mouth.

“I’ve read enough science on it to feel like science backs me. I think kissing can be very dangerous.”

I feel the exact same way, Kody, except I'd probably substitute the word ‘religion' for the word ‘kissing' in that last sentence. I've read a lot of science about it, and I fill like it backs me up.

(Photo: TLC)