‘Tis The Season To Rank Movie Santas From Least Sexy To Most Sexy

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I know what you're thinking.  Does Santa Claus really have sex appeal?  A Santa Claus that isn't Mr. December on a Chippendale's calendar, anyway.  Boy oh boy are you in for a real treat!  I've covered all major movie Santas worth placing on this list.  Grandfatherly Santas?  Check.  Santas lacking proper hygiene?  You got it.  Drunk Santa?  Duh!  Classic Kris Kringle?  Of course.

This time of year is my favorite for two main reasons: 1.) Most of my favorite movies are holiday films: Christmas Vacation, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Home Alone, A Christmas Story, Elf… the list goes on.  2.) December is the only month of the entire year I never run out of excuses to get my drink on sans judgement.

So kick back, enjoy some ‘nogg (or a glass of wine, Winter Lager, Mad Elf… you get the idea) and see if your favorite sexy Santa made the cut.


Artie Lange, Elf

He had a bad beard and he smelled like beef and cheese.  Buddy didn't take the crap he was dishing out from his throne of lies, and we won't take it either.
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Billy Bob Thornton, Bad Santa

Not the classiest Santa Claus around, Billy Bob Thornton definitely joins Artie Lange in the “Least Sexy” lineup.
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Ken Hudson Campbell, Home Alone

While I can appreciate anyone willing to dole out Tic Tacs to kids instead of letting them go empty-handed, the half-assed Home Alone Santa just doesn't do it for me.
(Photo: AvelyMan)

Tim Allen, The Santa Clause 3


Because this movie sucks.  Because sequels, especially multiple sequels, always suck.  The third installment of The Santa Clause is so not sexy.

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Dan Aykroyd, Trading Places

Okay, so he's kind of gross.  But he's fallen on hard times, and any guy who can wrangle an entire smoked salmon into his Santa coat and enjoy it later on public transportation is a good time in my book!  Plus I have a thing for Dan Aykroyd.  I know, I don't get it either.
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Jeff Gillen, A Christmas Story

Football?  What's a football?  Apparently it's the only thing this cranky Santa was willing to hand out at Higbee's.  I'm pretty sure that if a mall Santa of the millenium pushed a kid down a slide boot-to-forehead he'd be arrested for child abuse, but it would still be hilarious.
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Richard Attenborough, Miracle on 34th Street


While I am personally of the “Dylan McDermott Stole The Show And My Heart” sentiment for this film, Richard Attenborough is not to be overlooked.  He could practically be nominated for sainthood in this movie, if there was some magical world where religion and folklore could meet in harmony.
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Tim Allen, The Santa Clause

Maybe it was the red silk pajamas.  Maybe it's the way he says “Santa fell off the ruff!”  Maybe we have a thing for elves named Bernard and little boys with the bowliest of bowl cuts.  Who knows?  But the research shows that none other than Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor is the sexiest movie Santa!  Never mess with the original, folks.  Stick with what works.

(Photo: Tumblr)

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