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You Need to Read This Report About Justin Bieber Licking Selena Gomez’s Sweat at SoulCycle

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Selena Gomez kissing Justin Bieber GIF

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This afternoon while doing my usual Internet-surfing for the latest celebrity news, I came across a post on Gossip Cop titled “Justin Bieber Licked Sweat Off Selena Gomez At SoulCycle?!” The question mark/exclamation point combo really sold me, so I clicked through. Imagine my disappointment when the first sentence read, “Justin Bieber did NOT lick sweat off Selena Gomez during a recent SoulCycle class, despite a new report.”

It's not that I want Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez to get back together. It's just that there are some rumors so good as to make you put aside your biases and delight in the weirdness of it all. So yes, a part of me was hoping that Justin Bieber really did lick the sweat off Selena Gomez at SoulCycle, and my soul(cycle) was crushed a little bit when I read that it was false.

But that doesn't mean it's any less fun to read the aforementioned report, which Gossip Cop quotes from the ever-reliable National Enquirer. It reads like the worst kind of smutty fanfiction, and it's making me consider applying for a job with the rag just so I can have as much fun on a daily basis as whoever wrote it obviously did.

First of all, they call it a “quick lick-and-polish” and describe the preceding workout as “perspiration-popping.” Someone was paying attention during the lesson on alliteration during English class! Here's the rest of the riveting report:

“He licked her neck and shoulders, slowly lapping up every wet bead on her skin,” a so-called “witness” claims to the supermarket tabloid. “It was a little gross, but erotic too, — and Selena was into it big time! She had a huge smile on her face, kept closing her eyes during the sexy tongue bath — and never said STOP!”

That's right, Bieber went full mama cat on Selena, and she never said STOP! How long before the names are changed and this is published as the next Fifty Shades of Grey?

Gossip Cop also describes the manipulated photo that went along with the article, which “digitally added a long tongue to make it look like Bieber was giving Gomez a lick.” They add that it's “quite telling” that the magazine couldn't get a real photo of the licking. Because obviously everything else sounds totally believable.

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