Why Selena Gomez Should Aim To Be The Next Jessica Alba
Once upon a time there lived two ladies. One was named Jessica Alba, and the other was named Selena Gomez. They were both very beautiful and poised and fashionable and well-regarded in the media, but maybe not the most bestest ever where talent is concerned.
It's not that either one of them is untalented, persay, but when we live in a world with actual legit triple threats and whatnot, it's hard for Selena to stand out with lip syncing and half-assed dance moves. She has a great team behind her, so she can roll out semi-catchy songs like ‘Come & Get It', but she definitely can't compete with performers like Demi Lovato in the music world and serious Hollywood actors in the film world.
Where she can (and does!) stand out is in interviews and on the red carpet, so I have one piece of advice for her — do as Jessica Alba does, say as Jessica Alba says, and be as Jessica Alba…bees.
Because if you really think about it, what was the last thing you saw Jessica Alba in that made you go, “Oh damn! She really killed that!”? I promise it wasn't a TV show, because she hasn't done one of those since her breakout role in Dark Angel. And I promise it wasn't a movie, because ohmygod did you see Honey? Or The Fantastic Four? Or any movie of hers ever where you can argue she would've gotten the role if she wasn't the most beautiful person ever? I'll let you think on that.
But Jessica Alba is still famous. Like, borderline A-List famous, without actually doing things in the industry that often except for red carpet events. If you really look at her career, Jessica is technically more of a model, but she does project sporadically enough that she still maintains her movie cred and gets swag bags and invites to award shows and all the bonus parts of being a celebrity. All she has to do is have great hair, go to the gym, and dress like everybody's watching.
Selena, are you taking notes? Because I'm gonna take you through this step-by-step so you never have to accidentally make a movie like The Getaway into a parody ever ever again.
STEP ONE. Acknowledge your own limits. You're a lovely girl, Selena, but acting-wise and singing-wise, you're not gonna be winning any awards. The sooner you accept that, the better things will go for you.
STEP TWO: Make friends on the talk-show circuit. That way, anytime they have someone drop out last minute, your name springs to mind and they can have you on for a little chat even if you're not working on something.
STEP THREE. Collect adorable, self-deprecating anecdotes for these visits. The more unaware you seem of your own beauty, the more the public will accept you as one of them.
STEP FOUR. Date someone you work with. You're actually all set with this one from dating Justin Bieber, and Jessica took care of it early in her career by dating (and actually getting engaged to Michael Weatherly. Everyone needs a good starter relationship so they can reflect on ‘lessons learned' on Ellen DeGeneres‘ couch.
STEP FIVE. Don't forget to keep looking excellent in your underthings, so that famous designers keep wanting to dress you up in their overthings for free.
STEP SIX. Time for a very serious relationship. I hope you're ready.
STEP SEVEN. Ideally it'll be an athlete, but I'll also settle for an attorney or an architect. Just as long as its someone manly with big hands that you can gossip to all your girlfriends about. Because you're about to need them to start dropping some hints to the media.
STEP EIGHT. Confirm your rumored relationship. Celebrate yourself inwardly and outwardly at finding love at such a young age.
STEP NINE. Get that ring on your finger. This is a crucial phase in your plan and it must be rendered faithfully.
STEP TEN. You're getting married! Sell the pictures for millions, go on all the talk show circuits, and sing out your love to the heavens!
STEP ELEVEN. Have a baby, give it an adorable name — Jessica went for Honor and Haven, which means Cherish and Clover are still available — and immediately lose the baby weight and sell the baby photos.
STEP TWELVE. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Until desired effect is achieved.