Entertainment

Blake Lively Is The Worst Hostage Ever In Savages

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Let me kick off this essay about Savages by saying that I've never said “WTF” out loud more times during a film in my entire life. Kudos to Oliver Stone for winning that coveted prize from me.

I must warn you that  I can't really tell you about Blake Lively showing us just how entitled a hostage she can be without pulling out a few plot spoilers. With that said, these spoilers will not ruin the movie for you. I can't capture the weirdness of the film or Blake Lively's breathy narrative voice with my words. Seriously, you could read this entire essay as well as every other review out there and still have absolutely no clue what happens in the movie.

Sociopathic murderer Chon (Taylor Kitsch) and free-loving philanthropist Ben (Aaron Johnson) are indie weed growers living the life in Laguna Beach. Not only do they grow the best weed in the whole entire world, but they're both dating Ophelia (Blake Lively). It's your classic menage a trois love story where everyone's so madly obsessed with each other that it all works out swimmingly. (Oh what's that? Those don't exist because they're completely unrealistic? Yeah, someone should tell everyone involved in this movie.)

Chon and Ben decline an offer from a Mexican drug cartel, lovingly referred to in the film as a the Wal-Mart of cartels. Since the drug cartel's offer was much more of a “do this or die” type deal then an option, the cartel takes Ophelia hostage to show the boys that they mean business.

So begins the most obnoxious hostage scenes I've ever witnessed in a movie. Considering they're psychotic murderous drug dealers who behead people and light them on fire daily, you'd think Ophelia would be grateful just to be alive. But no, when she's offered a bed, bucket, sink and toothpaste, she asks, “no toothbrush?”

Hello! You're a hostage. They're being nice enough to provide you with any kind of dental hygiene. Do you really think requesting a toothbrush is at all appropriate? That's only the beginning of her unwillingness to understand her situation. And it is dire.

At one point, she's eating pizza and watching TV with one of her captors. Which you might think sounds nice of them, especially consdiering Ophelia watched a video of them kicking around human heads at one point. However you'd be thinking wrong. Ophelia starts crying and demanding healthier food, like a salad. Because she's confused her situation with a Paneras customer service line.

And it only gets more ridiculous from there. Like the time she demands Internet so she can e-mail her mother from “Europe.” WHAT? Hostages don't get internet access. I mean, she does, in this movie. Because I think they're generally intrigued by her stupidity. But really? Did she really believe that internet access was a reasonable demand from the people HOLDING HER HOSTAGE?

Yes, yes she did. And without giving away every detail of every situation, I'll just say one more thing about her. She gets to eat lamb chops for dinner one night and has the balls to insult her captor. It's like she doesn't understand what murder means.

Oh, it also has to be said that her hair and make-up look great throughout this entire ordeal. Meaning that someone's providing with her fresh make-up and hair product during her captivity. As well as a dry cleaning service. There's no other way to explain how her flowy white dress stays so clean.

While you might leave this movie questioning what it's actually about, you'll completely agree with me that this Blake Lively is the worst hostage ever.

(Photo: Theipolis)