Swimming With Ryan Lochte Is The New Swimming With Dolphins

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ryan lochte azure 3 180812Just so you know, dear reader, I didn't forget about you this Christmas. Maybe you thought I did, because we've never met, but I'm planning an extra special gift for you. It involves Ryan Lochte and his only skill, aside from mumbling — swimming. It's a really expensive present, the proceeds to to charity in the form of Hurricane Sandy relief, and you should be really flattered that I'm going to get it for you. The only catch is, you have to pay for it yourself. Totes not a big deal, it's only $9,500. So roughly the same price as a light lunch, provided you eat lunch at a diamond store.

Let me explain. Ryan Lochte is auctioning off an hour-long swim lesson with him for you and a guest. In his own words, via Twitter:

Ryan Lochte swim tweet charitybuzz Hurricane Sandy auctionSo in case you don't want Ryan Lochte to actually do any work for the almost ten thousand dollars you're paying, you can just paddle around next to him in a pool. It's like swimming with a dolphin except Ryan thinks less and doesn't have a dorsal fin to pull you around. You also get to go down to Gainesville, Florida, which is universally known as the #1 destination if you want spend an hour in a pool. And there are shipping and handling costs unrelated to the shipping and handling of yourself to Florida. All in all it's a great deal, but I recommend that you read the whole list of auction rules below, for maximum enjoyment

You and your guest will join Olympian, Ryan Lochte for a swim lesson and lunch in Gainesville, Florida.

Ryan Lochte has 11 Olympic medals to his name, including 5 golds, as well as 7 NCAA championships, 51 major international medals and a handful of world records. He is considered by many to be the best swimmer in the world, praised for being well-rounded with both his short course ability and amazing talent for travelling [sic] incredible distances while kicking underwater. As a winner with style, Ryan has been featured on magazine covers, in commercials and on television…Jeah!

Terms: Valid for 2 people in Gainesville, Florida. Winner must provide at least 2 weeks advance notice for scheduling. Lesson is for 1 hour. Valid through December 2013. Based upon availability. To be scheduled at a mutually agreed upon date. We expect all winning bidders and their guests to conduct themselves appropriately when attending an experience won at Charitybuzz. Polite manners and respect for the generous donor and adherence to any rules or parameters are a must. Winning bidder and guest(s) subject to security screening.

Shipping and Handling: The minimum shipping, handling and applicable insurance for this item is $9.95. Additional shipping charges may apply based upon the location of the winner. Hard copies of tickets, travel certificates and merchandise are shipped via FedEx or professional shipping service. Detailed redemption information for non-tangible items will be emailed to the winning bidder.

Donated by: Ryan Lochte

So you can go, but you better conduct yourself appropriately, you mongrel. No American flag-themed grills, sex tapes, or shitty interviews. Aka don't bring Prince Harry as your plus one.

(Image: DJDM / WENN.com)