Video: Patrick Stewart Plays The Shadiest Olympics Ticket Scalper, Ryan Lochte Is His Victim, And It’s Awesome

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Today's been kind of a slow day for news, but a fun day for Olympics coverage. The last few hours alone have given us the “McKayla Is Not Impressed” Tumblr and a great photo essay of the Belgian cyclist who got so drunk he was kicked out of the Games. And then we stumbled across this bizarre but hilarious new video from Funny Or Die. I don't know how they did it, but they got stage and screen legend Patrick Stewart to play a Dickensian con artist, in the form of “Ticket-Tooth Philip”—a dirty vagrant who tries to scalp tickets outside the Olympic Stadium. He's joined by his protege Scraggy Sue (Maisie Williams from Game of Thrones!) and together with their Cockney accents they cheat unsuspecting tourists out of their tickets.

This is Captain Picard! Professor X! I'm just floored that Sir Patrick Stewart would agree to it, but it shows he has a wicked sense of humor. Anyway, you need one of the greats when your co-star is Ryan Lochte. That's right, the Team USA swimmer plays himself, and I really can't tell if he's pretending to be that dumb or if acting just isn't his strong suit.

This video requires multiple rewatches, so I'll let you get to your first go-round. It's just the weirdest mix of actors — Simon Pegg has a cameo too! — and in-the-news athletes. Just a great example of the what-the-fuckery of the 2012 Olympics. Slow clap, Funny Or Die.