Russell Crowe And His Wife Have Split, Presumably Because It’s A Slow Weekend

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I have to first of all say a big thank you to Russell Crowe and his wife Danielle Spencer, who announced today that they are separating after nine years of marriage. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that's a good thing. Au contraire. Marriage is a sacred contract, and any time one gets broken, my heart really goes out to the people involved. Ooh. I sound super insincere right now, but I promise I'm being genuine.

ANYWAY. The reason I'm sending out this thank you to Russell and Danielle is because even though there were rumors for a while leading up to this that their marriage was on the rocks, they decided to wait until this weekend to announce the news. They'd been spending too much time apart due to Russell's busy film schedule and Danielle's time on the Australian version of Dancing With the Stars, and it just put too great a strain on the relationship. But they powered through and kept the news under wraps. Until today. When they released it as a special favor to me because they heard it was a slow news day. I know they did.

I've worked many a weekend for Crushable at this point, and this is the absolute slowest I've ever seen. Lindsay Lohan is losing her shit, sure, but she's doing it too quickly to be of interest to anyone. You have to really space it out if you want to hold my attention. Take some cues from Britney Spears. But Russell and Danielle are the opposite. They're looking out for me. I honestly didn't even know they knew me, let alone liked me, but there's no other explanation for why they would release this news today. Most celebrities like to hide their bombshells in stacks of other celebrity bombshells. So like, if someone gets a DUI some weekend, like eight other celebrities will release little tidbits like, “Oh, I'm getting a divorce” or “Oh, I'm bankrupt” or “Oh, I really did touch that masseur in his sexy parts.” They've been famous a while now, they know the drill, they did this entirely so I'd have something to write about. And don't try to tell me differently.

But seriously, my heart goes out to Russell and Danielle and their two kids. It's a tough time, but everything will be back to normal soon. Meanwhile, if you feel like doing anything whacky in the interim, just shoot me a quick text and I'll be happy to write it up for you. BOOM. JOURNALISM.

(Image: WENN.com)