Russell Brand Wants A ‘Sexually Adventurous’ Wife, And I’m Scared To Know What That Means

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Russell Brand at BBC Radio Studios in London June 2013When normal people say the words ‘sexually adventurous', I picture like, maybe a set of fuzzy handcuffs that they picked up at some novelty shop one time and break out for anniversaries. But when Russell Brand says the same words, as in, he wants a wife who is ‘sexually adventurous', it sends a stark bolt of fear down my spine, and jolts my vagine straight into the fetal position, tiny vagine arms over its vagine head. (We all have tiny T-Rex arms on our lady parts, right? I didn't just embarrass myself in front of all my friends? Good.)

Anyway. I don't know what exactly it was that Russell found lacking about his ex-wife Katy Perry (although I know what she found lacking in him), but in an interview with the Daily Mirror, he describes what he wants for any future entanglements:

“I would like to get married again and have a family. I am looking for my future wife. I hope she's kind and sweet and sexually adventurous. I don't ask for much, do I?”

Did you hear that, guys? Noted lothario Russell Brand is currently on the lookout for his next wife, and she'd better know her way around a sexually adventurous bedroom? I'm talkin' mascot outfit for Furry Tuesdays, hot wax for Candle Fridays, edible arrangements for Hungry Mondays, and full latex suits for Mother's Day brunches. Think you can manage all that? If not, don't bother applying. This is the kind of guy who actually hired a professional team to help him select ‘dream women' with whom to have sex. Like, an actual team.

“My selection process was outsourced. I had a team of experts who took care of finding women for me,” he said. “They had very specific instructions. It was as if I was talking to a wine steward. ‘I'm looking for something French, a bit fruity, smells of oak.'”

Women as wine. Classy. But I don't know why you're surprised, considering Russell won The Sun‘s Shagger Of The Year Award in 2006, 2007, and 2008, and then reclaimed his crown in 2012 post-divorce. Basically what I'm saying is, this man does not eff around. He describes the time after his divorce from Katy thusly:

“I had a little bit of a reaction. Like if you've been on a diet of rice for a while and then suddenly Willy Wonka said. ‘I need you to run my chocolate factory.'”

Yeah that's right. He's the Willy Wonka of kinky sex. I hope you like chocolate rivers, ya'll. Ew. Not even I know what I mean by that.

(Image: Euan Cherry / WENN.com)