Robert Pattinson Is Back In Our Lives, And The First Thing He Wants To Talk About Is Erotic Spitting

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Robert Pattinson Jimmy Kimmel June 2014

Friends, I'm a little (okay, a lot) worried about Robert Pattinson right now. I feel like he's been out of our lives for so long it's like he only existed in the stories of anonymous sources and reports speculating that he and Kristen Stewart are still in luuurve. But he's still an actual person who exists, and his appearance last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live to promote his movie The Rover reminded me that he's also a weird person. Very weird.

Jimmy mentions to Rob that the last time he was on the show he said he often lies for no reason, which Rob explains comes from “panic.” He seems pretty panicky in this interview, so I suppose nothing he says after that can be trusted as genuine, but that doesn't make it any less WTF. Just how WTF, you ask? Rob decides this is the perfect time to mention that he has “heavy saliva,” so when he spits it doesn't reach very far. Okay Rob, that's very interesting. There should be a whole chapter about that in your autobiography, right after the section about why Twilight sucks. But what does this have to do with your lying habit?

Oh, apparently lying makes his saliva looser. Therefore he lies a lot, because he must just have a constant need to spit over long distances. During sex. Yes, the next thing he wants to talk about, again totally unprompted, is sexy spitting. He just asks Jimmy if he's ever had anyone spit on him in an “erotic way,” and then he gets this dopey grin on his face while he waits for an answer. Can any of you Twihards out there explain to me what in Edward Cullen's name is happening in this interview? Is he on something? Is he high on life? Is Kristen offstage controlling his every move via voodoo doll? HELP ME UNDERSTAND.