This Woman Could Have Been Mrs. Tom Cruise If Only She Could Hear Properly

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Nazanin Boniadi. The "almost" Mrs. Cruise.

Yo, Tom, the jig is up! The rumors are apparently true, and now we all believe them more than ever: Scientology is your bitch, and your Scientology's bitch. Either way, we know all about your wife-auditioning process and how Katie Holmes wasn't your first choice. Poor Katie!

In October's issue of Vanity Fair, on which you can see the lovely Ms. Holmes looking more ravishing than ever now that she's escaped Sir Crazytown Cruise, reporter Maureen Orth digs deep to get to the bottom of the cult-like religion. A religion that has been known to be ultra-secretive about their practices and have even threatened and harassed former members who have left the church and come forward about what's going on behind closed doors over there. Sounds a bit like some Jim Jones and his People's Temple type shit. Not fun.

Based on Orth's sources, it was Shelly, the wife of Scientology head, David Miscavige, who was put in charge of finding Cruise a mate that would fit into the wacky world of Scientology. During the 2004 “auditions” to procure him a wife, Iranian-born and London-raised Nazanin Boniadi was chosen for the role. She had it all: looks, an up and coming actress who could probably be easily manipulated by Cruise, and most importantly, she was already a practicing Scientologist. Finding Boniadi for Cruise, was basically like hitting the jackpot.

Before she even knew what she was preparing for in a month-long auditing session, she was just simply told she was selected for a “very important mission.” She was forced to break-up with her boyfriend and totally change her look. Then, before she was completely handed over to Cruise to play the most difficult role of her life, she signed a confidentiality agreement stating that if she were to mess up this mission on which she'd been put, she would be denounced and declared an enemy of Scientology, or as the church official labels these people a “Suppressive Person.”

Well, Boniadi did fuck up. Just a few months into her “relaitonship” she began displeasing Cruise (a big no-no), then officially found herself on the road to Dumpsville by her faux boyfriend when she asked Scientology head David Miscavige to repeat himself. Apparently, he's a fast talker, she didn't hear him. So, like any normal person, probably said something along the lines of “I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you. What was that?”

What a disrespecting asshole this Boniadi woman is! Who does she think she is? A human who sometimes doesn't hear things correctly? It's a good thing Cruise dropped her off at the Scientology Celebrity Centre before she could do any more damage to the world as we know it.

While she was there, Boniadi made a second fuck up.

What is wrong with this woman? Why can't she just be cool and quit being such a troublemaker?

Boniadi had the audacity to confide in a “friend” about the failed relationship with Cruise! What type of person does such a thing? Who in their right mind turns to a friend for input and support on such a matter? Obviously, an asshole. It is completely against the church to divulge any sort of information like that to a friend, although you are often “audited” in regards to your sex life, and as well as to purge any impure thoughts that you might be having about your husband who is obviously a saint, while you're still an asshole.

Boniadi's punishment for such outrageous and horrific behavior, according to one of Orth's sources?

“…scrub toilets with a toothbrush, clean bathroom tiles with acid, and dig ditches in the middle of the night. After that she was sent out to sell Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard‘s Dianetics on street corners.”

Of course this had led to a Scientology rep calling foul: “The Church does not punish people, especially in [that] manner.” Seems a rather contradictory statement, but let's just roll our eyes and expect nothing less.

The October issue of Vanity Fair is chock-full of goodies about Cruise's multiple relationships, as well as even more details about the insanity that is Scientology. Granted, all religions are crazy in their own ways, but this one in particular was created by a science fiction writer. Who believes in something a science fiction writer just came up with one day? People who need a lot of help, that's who.

In other words, stay away from the Kool-Aid, people… no matter how thirsty you might be. Cleaning toilets with a toothbrush must be a real bitch.


Photo: Nazanin Boniadi's Twitter