Real Housewives Of Miami Doll Recap: Miami Fuego Fuego!

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Welcome To Miami! Where the clothes are tiny and neon, the boobs are huge, and everyone has a boat in their backyard like it’s a riding mowers. After meeting our new cast, Miami also seems to have the worst and most obvious plastic surgeries. Marysol Patton, the successful professional who owns her own PR company, coyly tells the camera how entering her forties has open up a whole new world of younger men. One would wonder, then, why Marysol is demanding her face age-regress back to her late teens, which mixed results.

Lea Black, the eldest of the housewives, is also suffering from a little over-stretching. Married to lawyer Roy Black, Lea chirps that she “collected” other housewife Adriana after her divorce, which seems like a mean thing to say about your friend, though she is a personal friend of Dennis Rodman and Rick Ross. We cannot argue with that. She also collected a ginormous painting of her adolescent son only to reject it for its over-sized depiction of his feet. We’d suggest your kid grow into his gangliness before capturing him forever in oils, but then again, we don’t really know that much about art.

I wasn't lying about those adorable kids.

Which leads me to the housewife with the Cutest Kids In The World. Larsa Pippen, bride of Scottie, seems to be the most with-in wife, managing the family’s finances, hanging out in a gun range, and generally acting as type-A power mom as possible. In addition to being a superior athlete, Scottie Pippen also produces the most adorable children on the face of the planet. You will squeal outloud when you see the Precious Moments superstar that is their toddler daughter. The man has baby-making skillz!

Also mother to an adorable little brace-face of a tween, Adriana De Moura is a Brazilian art dealer with a sense of fun. With her dark hair, older fiancé and lust for life, watching Adriana eat breakfast on the patio in perfect degree weather before taking a trip on the good sloop “The Mojo” is the exact escape promised by sunny Florida in these frigid winter months. If only we could stay on the lanai forever, but unfortunately there are more insane mansions to see.

Housewife Alexia Echevarria calls herself the “Cuban Barbie.” Based on the amount of hair dye soaking her long hair, she is committed to the persona. Alexia is under the impression her two kids think of her as hip and young, which is a common delusion among parents, but probably more so in such a cosmetic surgery megalopolis. My gay friend watching the show with me literally gasped out loud when we meet Alexia’s 17-yead-old son Peter, which is ILLEGAL, but yeah, if this show stays on the air long enough for him to become legal, plan on a lot of road trips to the Sunshine State including a coincidental detour past his bedroom window.

He is seventeen, people! Get your minds out of the gutter.

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