It’s Only The First Episode Of Real Housewives of Atlanta And I Already Fear Kenya Moore

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As if it wasn't already clear enough that I will watch anything with the words ‘Real Housewives of' in front of it, I tuned in for The Real Housewives of Atlanta last night, and let me tell you — I was not disappointed. Those ladies are not fucking around. They mean business. Serious business. It is literally day one (and I haven't watched RHOA in the past), and I'm already terrified of new girl Kenya Moore. But before I get to that, let's chat about the other ladies in case you, like me, are tardy for this party. (That's a topic reference, right, guys?? Did I do a good job??)

First we have NeNe Leakes. NeNe has been on the show since the first season, but big things are happening for her this year. She'd previously split up with Gregg, her husband (of fifteen years according to him, fourteen years according to Wikipedia), but now he's lurking around again trying to win her back. It's unclear how much of their relationship is still intact, but we do know that he doesn't have a key to her place, so when he comes over he has to knock, which he's not super fond of. NeNe is also talking about moving to LA to work on The New Normal, so she seems to be doing pretty okay without him. Although she couldn't get Tyler Perry on the phone when she was out to lunch with Ryan Murphy, so she and I still have something in common.

Kim Zolciak is another veteran of the show, also in her fifth year. There's been a lot of speculation that she'll be leaving midway through this season, as she's seven months pregnant and Bravo has another Housewife, Porsha Williams-Stewart, already waiting in the wings, presumably to replace her. Kim is still rocking that shitty wig I've read so much about, still married to the Atlanta Falcons' Kroy Biermann even though ‘Kroy' is not a name, with a grand total of three kids now — Brielle, 15 and Ariana, 11 from her previous marriage, and Kroy, 1. That current lump in her belly was born in August of this year and is named Kash. The main Kim drama thus far is that she and Kroy are being kicked out of the house they lease, and moving somewhere else is somehow going to cost them $101,000. Just to move. I mean, maybe don't lease a house next time?

Kandi Burruss, of former girl band Xscape fame, has been on the show since Season Two, and I'm sure you're all aware by now that she's written for lots of famous groups like ‘Nsync, Destiny's Child, and Mariah Carey, and even has a Grammy for her work on TLC‘s song No Scrubs. Oh she fancy, huh. Currently she's dating a  gentleman named Todd, whom she met while he was working on the show last year in Africa. They're moving in together, and Kandi is real ready to get married and make a little baby boy to round out their existing collection of two girls from previous relationships.

Phaedra Parks…is an odd one. This will be her third season on the show, and she got off to a whacky start by going to an animal hospital and revealing her plans to specialize in pet funerals. She's currently in school to be a mortician, but she doesn't want to limit herself to just humans. Right, yeah, that's a totally normal thing to say. She super weirdly offended the veterinarian at the hospital she went to by telling her that she doesn't like dogs (because she was bitten by one in law school) and that her family used to dispose of their dead dogs by throwing them in the creek. Excellent. She also has a 1-year old son, Ayden.

Cynthia Bailey is who I would want to be if I was on this show. She's also been on since Season 3 and she's gorgeous, pulled together, and doesn't appear to take shit from anybody. She has a 12-year old daughter Noelle, and a weirdly respectful relationship with her ex-husband Leon, Noelle's father. Cynthia is remarried now, to Peter Thomas, and when Leon comes into town, he stays with them and gets marginal input on Noelle's life, like whether or not she should continue to be home-schooled. (Spoiler alert: she should not. Send that girl to school.) Cynthia also runs The Bailey Agency, which this episode was working with JET Magazine to choose their ‘Beauty of the Week'. Which brings us to Kenya…

Kenya Moore. Oh Kenya Kenya Moore…Kenya was crowned Miss USA in 1993 and has been featured in such gems as Waiting To Exhale and I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan. This week she was invited to help out Cynthia with the casting for JET Magazine, and we learned that she is a crazy ass bitch and I'm terrified of her. She was openly criticizing the girls as they walked down the runway, calling security on Cynthia's assistants, and repeatedly shouting the phrase, ‘COOCHIE CRACK'. Oh and in case you're wondering why a casting would have staffed security — they didn't — Miss Kenya brought her own. Some rando guy who appeared out of nowhere and tried to escort Carlton out of his own workplace. It was crazy. She was out of control, refusing to stop talking, and insulting people left and right. I'm horrified, I'm transfixed, I'm terrified. And I can't wait for next week.