The Rachel Zoe Project: Rachel Will Defend Maxi Dresses To The Death

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Rachel Zoe Project Season 5 Episode 2

Just as I suspected, Rachel Zoe's now-legendary bangs (I'm pretty sure they were considered to be Pope) were still being talked about in the latest episode of The Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo. In addition to being so busy she doesn't “have time to breathe or take a shower” (making her shiny hair and her not being dead a miracle), Rachel still has to deal with her “confusing” bangs. VP Mundane Mufasa Mandela Mandana assures her, “I would never let you have bad bangs,” but I'm betting Rachel went home that day and punished the bangs with a sharp bobby pin.

The bangs were still a maj issue, but they were soon overshadowed by an even bigger problem that will now be known as MaxiGate. Following too many years of silently supporting the maxi dress cause by simply wearing them everywhere she goes, it looks like Rachel is finally going to take up the gauntlet and defend the maxi length to the death. After wowing fashion critics with her collection, Rachel and her team meet with buyers who think her maxi dresses will confuse shoppers even more than bangs confuse Rachel. Mandana thinks the maxis would be perfect to wear to a bar mitzvah, and she doesn't see a way for them to not have the dresses in the collection, failing to think of the obvious way — just not having them in the collection.  When the time comes for them to tell Rachel the disappointing news, all maxi hell breaks loose.

Rachel rages against mini skirts and makes her case for the maxi length, citing everything from looking good to being ideal for playing with her son — but forgetting the obvious perk (no leg-shaving). Rachel gets so worked up that she has to grab the nearest fur hat and put it on to calm her nerves. She leaves the meeting still wearing it, in addition to the fur coat she was already wearing, and sets out into the Los Angeles weather. I was relieved to see later that she hadn't had a heat stroke or been attacked by PETA. What a cruel end to her maxi depression that would have been. It looks like MaxiGate will continue in next week's episode, so stay tuned.

When Rachel takes off her designer hat and dons her stylist hat (both hats are fur) to work on a music video for the group Karmin, another incident threatens to make everyone forget the maxi dress debacle even existed. Rachel's styling associate Eileen — who looks calm on the outside but is having 25 simultaneous nervous breakdowns on the inside — goes to Coach to pick out plenty of items to bring to the shoot. Rachel sees the selection and declares Eileen “maj.” But all that hard work transporting the entire contents of the Coach store to the video location risks being useless when they realize they can't find the brown cardigan that Nick Louis Noonan is supposed to don to complete the “'60s mod take on holiday snuggly cool” that Rachel is going for, a description that makes me paranoid that Rachel Zoe has been spying on my dreams.

The search for the brown cardigan begins. Unfortunately they can't use Rachel's son Skyler's little cardigan, which, combined with his knit cap and wife beater, makes him look like a tiny Harry Styles (Styler?). Veronica, the intern, is almost brought to tears by the loss of the sweater. The video shoot continues happily while behind-the-scenes you can taste the stress, and it tastes like a venti Starbucks coffee and stray hairs from your fur vest.

When they finally discover the sweater, which was probably trying to escape being in an arranged marriage with a v-neck undershirt, the most ironic thing in the history of irony occurs when Rachel doesn't even want to use it anymore. There aren't enough fur hats in the world to help the team cope with this situation.

In conclusion, I would like someone to explain to me why Rachel and Rodger are opening a hair salon called DreamDry when Rachel doesn't even know how to deal with her bangs and long-haired Rodger is getting closer to turning into Jesus every episode.

I would also like to learn where to buy a stress-reducing fur hat. Is Rachel planning to market them?

(Image: Bravo)