Pretty Little Liars Makes My Life Seem Dull

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Every episode of Pretty Little Liars season 3 is making me question my lifestyle choices. Why did I not have an affair with a teacher? Why did I not pretend to be a character from a famous novel when I traveled outside of my hometown? Why did I not get involved in some sadistic and dangerous game and not report it to the police? These are all things I easily could have done, and I just didn't have the balls. Really.

Some things happened this week: Jenna came out in public. Well, with her new eyeballs that is. Garrett gets to leave jail for a hot second to visit his mom in the hospital but it ends up being a way to send a message to A that Spencer finds saying, “April Rose has the photo.” Paige gets drugged at Jenna's party from drinking out of the same flask Emily used when she was dropped at the graveyard. Aria finds out that Lucas is flipping his shit over some negatives and gets into the photographer's studio to find said pills that drugged Emily and Paige. Hanna finds the jacket Emily was wearing the night she was in the graveyard. And then we see A digging through Maya's purse and discovering some pills. Is Maya alive and in need of medication? Is A going to plant these somewhere? What are they for? What's wrong with Garrett's mom? What about that note?

ALL OF THE THINGS HAPPENED IN ONE NIGHT. You want to know about my night? I was at work until 6:30, even though I get off at 6. It started storming on my drive home, which caused every person on the road to completely forget everything they learned in driver's ed and turn into teenagers with their permits. I got home and noticed my mom drank all of the wine. Including my wine. Then I spent some time on the phone with one of my best friends and at 7:58 we both were like, “Oh shit PLL is on in 2 minutes! I'll text you throughout.” We live-text our reactions to each other. My dad brought home Arby's. I had chicken tenders and fries. I finished the episode and instantly felt super lame that a group of fictional high school girls with a pack of psycho-murderers after them have a more exciting Tuesday night than I do. I did have a Jello pudding cup, which was pretty thrilling.

Then I watched Chopped for two hours, took a shower, and now I'm watching Dawson's Creek while I write this. I had a similar routine yesterday, just replace PLL with Bunheads. Tonight I'm having a non-romantic dinner with an ex, so I guess that's about as eventful as my Hump Day will be. Later I'll probably drink alone, watch Harry Potter, and cry myself to sleep while fondling a pack of Oreos. Because that is living, you guys.

I don't need a group of crazies in black hoodies chasing me around town and leaving suspicious notes. I don't need someone to blackmail me or heighten my adrenaline levels by getting in my face about buildings I have access to. I don't need the police asking me a million questions. I definitely don't need an affair with a sexy teacher. Actually, that one I think I do, and I'm instantly regretting the several times I did not seduce one of my hot professors in his office in college. Now I'm a post-grad, the fantasy is ruined! Do you think if I tweet him, he'll still go for it? Or is an email better?

If you really think about it, Rosewood is a really shitty place. There's like two stores, three restaurants, a police station, a school, and a photography studio. What else is there to do but get involved in felonies? Maybe I should pretend that weird things are happening around me. Wait…what if Ali isn't dead and this is all happening in her mind?! I just Inceptioned myself.

(Photo: CS Monitor)