I Might Know Too Much About The Bodies Of The Plastic Wives

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Plastic Wives TLC

When I first heard that TLC would be producing a show called Plastic Wives, I yawned. This is the network that gave us Best Funeral Ever, Honey Boo Boo and Breaking Amish. Now they wanted to backpedal and do a special on women with plastic surgery? I was all like, “um, the real housewives of every city called, they want their show back.”

But then I watched it. And I take back every horrible thing I said about TLC getting boring and cliche on us. I sat with my eyes wide open throughout the entire episode, in awe that these things were actually happening on television. These aren't women with plastic surgery. These are women who are addicted to plastic surgery. And even more fun that that, they're also addicted to oversharing. I think every single line got crossed. And I'm saying that as a professional line-crosser.

I SAW A LABIA IN A JAR! Just hanging out in a jar. Like jam or something. Oh hey, do you want something for your toast? Butter? Jam? Marmalade? A LABIA? Oh sorry, don't know what that's doing in this fridge!

While most other shows would make the jar ‘o labia the highlight of the episode, Plastic Wives couldn't. Because there was way too much vagina fun to go around. For example, there's a charming “how did you meet?” scene at a dinner party that's a cross between softcore porn and When Harry Met Sally.

Someone: How did you two meet?

Veronica: In his office!

Someone: But doesn't your husband specialize in vaginas?

Veronica: Well, guess he liked…my lips!

Oh fun fact, that's the same husband who gave his wife a shot in her g-spot for her anniversary. I know this happened, because I saw it happen. Suddenly pap smears are looking like child's play. For the first time in my life, I understand why guys clutch their crotches when they see people get hit int he balls. Because after watching that scene, I put my chastity belt on so tightly that it's never coming off.

Alana would understand. She's almost as uptight as I am about vagina shots. Her husband's all like, “my wife's beautiful and she doesn't need any surgery!” And the other husbands (and ex-husband, don't ask) laugh uproariously at that thought. Because can you really imagine a woman who doesn't need any surgery. That's preposterous. Almost as preposterous as getting botox shot in a medical office. Can you imagine doing that? #AmateurHour

I was lucky enough to speak to these four special ladies —  Frances Marques, Veronica Matlock, Dayna Devon, Alana Sands— on the phone last week and I got an earful. Literally an earful. I spoke to all of them at once and they all seemed incredibly eager to tell me about their surgeries. Altogether, I'd estimate they've had 3000 surgeries between the four of them. Give or take 2900 or so.

While I'm not rushing out to get plastic surgery any time soon, I actually found their perspective on the entire show surprisingly refreshing. Their basic gist was that everyone in Hollywood's having these surgeries done, so why not talk about it? Why not put it all out in the open. Sure some of it sounds crazy (re. g-spot shots), but it's not uncommon.

Any one of your favorite celebrities could be walking around with a freshly rejuvenation vagina. Or a liposuction on their knee. Or an eyelid lift. Maybe if everyone was more honest about their surgery, we wouldn't all be sitting here trying to find out how a fifty-year-old celebrilady (new term I made up just now, thoughts?) is walking around with the knees of an 18-year-old starlet.

Also, P.S TLC: this show's begging for a full series. It had all the makings of one…mean husbands, plastic surgery, tense dinner parties, older ladies on stripper poles! think about it and get back to me.