After Seeing These Photos, I Need To Know Who Gave Perez Hilton A Baby

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Perez Hilton Underwear Baby Bathtub

I will never forget where I was when I found out that someone gave Perez Hilton a living, breathing baby. I think the world let out a collective, “really…him?” when the news came out a few weeks ago. Sure Perez Hilton's grown up a lot since the days when he drew all over young celebrities bodies. But he did a lot of damage in his heyday. So much that I question what kind of parent he'll be. Or how he'll even explain his existence to a child one day.

“Oh, you want to know how we afford this private school sweetheart? You can thank Microsoft Paint for that. Oh and that cokewhore Lindsay Lohan. Lolsies. I love you. Don't forget your lunch. Also, only eat half. I'd hate to see you get fat. MWAH!”

These new photos don't make me feel any better about him raising a child. What exactly was his thought process while taking these photos? Did it start out with his infant needing a bath? And he realized that he needed a bath too. As well as a new Facebook photo. And heck, his nanny looked bored. Why not have her take a few photos. A few nice family photos to share on the internet.

Perez Hilton Baby Kissing Bathtub

Or perhaps he read a message in an online parenting forum on how to scar your children for life. And he thought, “this is amateur hour, wait 'till these asshole see how you really do it!”
Perez Hilton Bathtub Baby Jesus

Or maybe he truly believes himself to be Jesus. And his baby to be sinful. Which made the baby's baptism very necessary  Right away. No need to waste. And no time to put pants on. If this baby was to be saved, it had to be done in this very moment. Quickly, fill the tub!!!

I don't know which scenario is the best one. All I know is that he's already making poor parenting choices and it's been like approximately 20 or so days. So good luck to that kid! I can't wait to read the tell-all book in 18 years. I'm sure it will be full of delightful stories about being raised by Perez Hilton. And by delightful, I mean I hope I”m still working in celebrity blogging then because that will be a posting bonanza.

(Photos: Perez Hilton via Buzzfeed)