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Jersey Shore: I’ve Never Been As Wrong About Anyone As I Was About Paula Pickard

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Paula Pickard Jersey Shore Mike Sorrentino The Situation dating crazy cakeWhen I'm right, I'm right, but when I'm wrong, I'm really wrong, okay? I can admit it. Sometimes things go well and I find an extra $20 in my jeans or some candy in my couch, and sometimes things go poorly and I misjudge a cast member on Jersey Shore. Such is life. And this week — you guessed it — that cast member is Paula Pickard.

To be honest, I was a little obsessed with her when she first came on the show this season. Mike was new and improved and freshly-rehabbed, and I loved the idea that now that he was sober, he was finally ready to take seriously this girl that he'd been hooking up with for three summers. I created a cute little narrative for them all inside my brain, where this was the first woman Mike had ever really cared about, so they'd get married and he'd lovingly respect her for the rest of her days. And she'd deserve it.

And it actually went a little bit like that for a while. He asked her to be his girlfriend even though he'd been soooo violently opposed to that in the past. He took her out on dates and even seemed like he was getting to close to dropping that L-bomb. Saying those three little words — no, not Gym Tan Laundry…'I love you'. But then she started acting kind of weird. She got really vulgar in front of the other roommates and escalated their relationship in a way Mike apparently wasn't expecting. But I was still on her side. When Mike started talking to Pauly and Vinny and Ronnie about breaking up with her, I thought he was just freaking out and being a douche. When he actually did break up with her I was like, “Ooh, good job, Paula! You acted like a really mature human throughout that annoying thing that was happening to you!” She had me fooled.But now my eyes are open, I tell you! They're open to the weirdy wacko that is Paula! I guess I should've figured that there was probably something a little off about someone who would continue to hang around Mike for four summers and just let him get it in with no commitment, but I didn't see it. But now I'm watching her pass him notes at the tanning salon, hand him her alcoholic drink to hold, and cock-block him HARDCORE at the club, and she's starting to make me nervous. I get that you care about him, but you two are not together. It's not appropriate or acceptable for you to be getting in his business and scaring off girls. Last night she specifically said to Mike when he got to Karma, “I won't be up your ass tonight.” Cut to her scaring off not one but TWO girls who were unattractively grinding on Mike's junk. That's not fair, bud! You aren't his girlfriend, you don't get to decide what he does, however repulsive. And you especially don't get to ask him to defend himself or make sure that he's not mad at you. He can be mad at you, Paula! You're acting like a crazy person, staring him down across the club.

I guess ultimately I don't really know what their relationship is. Mike tells her every time he sees her that he cares about her more than other girls, so I guess it's possible that stuff goes on behind closed doors. But based on what I'm seeing on TV, she's embarrassing herself, so it's time to chill the fuck out. Speaking of which, does it look to anyone else from the preview that she makes him some kind of laced, tainted cake next week? I can't wait.

(Image: Bruno)

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